Fear

So as I was brushing my teeth just now and thinking about how bad I am at drawing (as I so often do), my mind entertained an idea for all of about 2 seconds that I should take a 2-D drawing class at BYU. Then I dismissed it thinking "nah, I'd be so bad at that."

Then I started thinking about why I dismissed that thought so quickly. (Keep in mind all of this is happening within like 4 seconds. Isn't the mind crazy fast? Well, in most people at least...) What is it that makes me dismiss the thought that maybe I could get better at drawing? Or what makes me shy away from attempting to get better at something that I'm not already good at? How come as soon as I have to start working hard at something in order to get better, I stop? At about the 5 second mark of this whole thought train I realized that it was fear. (p.s. my electric toothbrush has a 2 minute timer, so I guess I had a good 1 minute 55 seconds left to think about this, in which time I also decided to write a blog entry about it because it's been awhile since I posted.)

I dismiss taking a drawing class because I'm afraid that if I try it, I won't be good at it right away. I already know I'm a poor drawer, but I'm justified since I've had like no practice whatsoever. I'm afraid to go to a class that is intended to help you get better at drawing because I'm not good at it now? That makes no sense. I guess that's what fear does. Maybe that's why people are afraid of things they're not used to.

It may not be possible to eliminate all fear, but you might just be able to make it work for you. Maybe when I find something that instills fear in me, I should be more prepared to force myself to push past the fear and do it. (This doesn't apply to the rational kinds of fear like falling from a cliff. Unless I'm talking about skydiving or something, in which case never mind.)

I also think it's interesting that fear makes us vulnerable, but that it takes bravery to face a situation in which we're vulnerable. Like to me, enrolling in a drawing class makes me feel vulnerable, because I know I won't be nearly the best drawer in the class and there's the possibility that I really won't get a hang of it, putting me behind everyone else. But if I keep going to the class and trying my hardest, my vulnerability is leading me to face the fear and try to get better. I don't know if this makes sense in words, but it does in my head.

If you only do things that you already know you're good at (or will be good at), then what are you learning? You're using/developing your talents, sure. But you're certainly not gaining new ones.

I've told myself a number of times that I'm going to stop being afraid and just do stuff, and that way it'll get easier in the future. I figured fear would dissolve and everything would just become easier to do. I learned on my mission that this isn't true. I thought it would get easier to want to talk to strangers on the street. The only thing that got easier was actually speaking with them, and that was only because I became more proficient in Portuguese. But I think it was only very slightly easier for me to approach someone on the last day of my mission than it was on the first day.

I didn't learn how to disseminate fear. I learned how to overcome it.

Now I just need to get back in that same groove of overcoming fear; the fear that keeps me from new experiences, new learning opportunities, new chances to work hard and accomplish great things.

Maybe this will help me be more decisive. I fear making a bad decision even when there really is no wrong. I fear I'll regret buying the wrong kind of toothpaste or deodorant. So what? Then I'll know what not to get in the future. Maybe I don't apply the "you live, you learn" principle enough. Maybe I just try to learn without doing the living.