Over-thinking

I like the way wikipedia explains Occam's Razor as "a principle that generally recommends selecting the competing hypothesis that makes the fewest new assumptions."


But I naturally tend towards making a ton of new assumptions, and then reacting emotionally based on those new assumptions. When I don't have all the information, I assume the worst and react based on that assumption. Makes no sense.


On a somewhat related note, I wanted to relate something I've learned over the past few weeks, relationship-wise. Over-thinking relationships can be the death of them. (Or suffocate them before they can even start. Kinda like the seeds sown in the weeds in Mark 4:3-9)


Here's what I mean. To myself, I am a very persuasive person. In the same way I convince myself that a slew of new assumptions are true, I can convince myself that pretty much anything I don't know much about is true. I can also pretty much talk myself out of anything.


Especially in Provo (maybe all of Utah?), I think the thought pattern goes like this: (feel free to change the gender, because it goes both ways)

"I dunno, I think I kinda like her. But I still don't really know. I should keep dating around to see if she's really the one for me."

"Yeah, I don't know that I'm really super interested in her."

"She's not really my type."

These thoughts, in my opinion, are really just ways to think yourself out of having a relationship that could potentially become something very meaningful. I think part of it also assumes that the "commitment gap" (as I'll call it) between (1) going on dates, (2) dating exclusively, and (3) being engaged are something like this:

(1) ----------- (2) ----------- (3)

Where it is as big a commitment to move from 1 to 2 as it is to move from 2 to 3.

What?!

I mean, maybe we don't consciously think that, but I for one sure act like it. "I don't know if I'm super interested in her." (So... really you're thinking 'why take the huge irreversible step (note the sarcasm) to date her exclusively to find out how interested I am?' Is that what I am really thinking?) "She's not really my type." (How do you know? You've only ever gone after the same kind of person before!)

The gap is truly more like this:

(1) -- (2) ------------------------- (3)

Moral of the story: don't avoid getting into a relationship because it may not work out. Doing so is basically like saying you will only date exclusively the person you fully intend to marry. And then how do you gain experience?

My first philosophy: if I'm not interested after the 1st date, I probably won't ask her out again.

My last philosophy: always go on a second date and keep an open mind. First dates are bad for really getting to know someone

My newest philosophy: just freaking date people! Obviously if there are red flags, then don't go there. But if you're honestly not sure, I say just go for it! The worst thing that could happen is you find out you're not really that interested, and you break up and move on. Isn't that basically the definition of dating before marriage? You learn facts about people on the first few dates. You don't really get to know the person until a pretty substantial amount of time (and maybe even a certain level of commitment?) is spent with them.

If you think too hard about it, you'll probably talk yourself out of it. And maybe even out of feelings you once had for someone.

Believe me. It happens. Unfortunately.

Epiphany

Here's something that came to me tonight:

Don't expect to be able to judge how romantically interested you are in someone by the time you've spent together platonically.

Maybe you disagree? Let me know your thoughts, cause I'm still thinking through it myself.

I don't even want to know

I usually have this urge to know everything that's going on around me. It's so hard for me to hear other people having a conversation and not butt in and be all "wait, what are you talking about? INCLUDE ME! I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO AND I WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING THAT YOU'RE DOING AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO ACT LIKE I'M BEING ANNOYING I JUST WANT YOU TO ANSWER ALL OF MY QUESTIONS."


Just kidding I'm not nearly that bad.

Anyway, I just clicked on my mint.com tab on Chrome, but as soon as it opened I closed it because I don't even want to know what the finances are looking like right now. I spent over $500 at Kohl's the other day. Granted, probably about $150 of it was from Kellie and Natalie buying things on my card (not because I'm their sugar daddy (I HATE that term, by the way) but because they needed to buy it on my card to get the 30% off). Also granted that I will be returning most of the stuff I bought for myself. (That's just how I roll when it comes to buying stuff at Kohl's)

I'm in a weird mood lately, where I just want to do nothing. I'm still getting my homework done and everything (and I got a 95% on my 2nd calc test. Booya!) but I kinda just want to go watch movies for a week.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. I stay up way too late these days. And I think I'm going to go help some friends set up for a commercial shoot.

P.s. I went back to Kohl's and bought one of the softest, comfiest (wow, that's really how you spell it!) blanket ever! And what's funny is I was about to buy a different blanket that was actually even softer when I realized it was only big enough for 1 person to use at a time. So I bought the one big enough for 2 people :)

Even though I'm not dating anyone.

Oh yeah: how is it possible that we have a house of 7 super-awesome, fun, outgoing, good-looking and smart guys without a single girlfriend to show for it?

Run and [explain] that, homeboy.

Maybe because nice guys finish last? I dunno.

Why nice guys finish last

I know you all probably have your own opinions on the topic. Here's mine. Of course this will include a lot of generalizations that may or may not apply to the reader, but honestly I don't care :) It also very much applies to everyone, guys and girls alike.

This also stems from things I've heard from a bunch of different sources, so this isn't new stuff by any means. Just a sad truth.

Here's basically what I typed into my phone when this thought came to my mind (again):

Kindness can come off as weakness. Jerk guys are seen as more confident and make a girl feel like she needs to work to make him want her. It's like a challenge. And it is intriguing. Someone who is nice and shows interest is too easy to obtain. There's no challenge. People like what they can't/don't have. So it forces guys to play a game where, even if he is interested in someone, he has to hide it and practically show apathy towards a girl. It's like a hook. When he does finally ask her out, she can feel accomplished, as if she "won him over."

However a guy who is a jerk (DB) never lets a girl get to the point of completely winning him over, but gives her just enough to make her feel like she is making progress. This is why some girls stay with jerks for a long time and overlook the bad things about the relationship (lack of respect, no heightened sense of self-esteem, or even abuse in more serious cases) because they feel like he is changing.

I'm not the only one to think of this

And it's so dumb to me that books like this teach women to play hard-to-get for the exact same reason: people want what they don't/can't have.

The game sucks. Nice guys finish last. The end.

Baffling

I still haven't quite grasped the concept that a girl can actually like a guy. I still feel like they just put up with us because they're supposed to. I also haven't quite grasped that a girl can actually pursue a guy, as in show signs of interest. Even when I receive those signs, I just call the girl outgoing and flirty and don't think twice about it.

Maybe I've just seen too many movies.

Or maybe I just don't want to seem stupid by assuming someone is interested only to find out she's just outgoing and flirty.

Confusion! Probably (hopefully) where confusion isn't necessary...

Signs

Yes, Dear, King of Queens, and Everybody Loves Raymond

are the same shows!

Men are irresponsible, thoughtless, lazy pacifists.

Women are controlling, nagging dictators.

There is no compromise, no serious discussion, very few kinds acts, way too much bickering.

Unfortunately, I think these shows are popular because too many people think it is "so true."

Some lines from the shows:

"What keeps me from cheating on you?"

"I will DIVORCE you."

I could keep going on, but it depresses me a little bit.

My own (500) Days of Summer input

Inspired by Virginia's post about this movie, I thought I would add my own random, probably poorly-thought-out thoughts.

I sincerely hope that when the narrator at the end was saying that Tom Hansen had learned that there was no such thing as fate and destiny, that he wasn't being sarcastic.

Okay, I take that back. What I should say is I'm disappointed that the narrator was being sarcastic when he said "Tom had finally learned that there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be. He knew. He was sure of it now..."

Granted, it flows well with the theme of the movie. I just don't agree with it. (Well, except the miracles part, but not in the context they're talking about). There really is no such thing as fate or a "meant to be." If you feel you love someone and they don't love you back, I don't believe it means that s/he just wasn't the one. Because there is no "one."

It was an interesting conversation with a guy down the hall who said he doesn't believe in praying to find out if a certain person is the right person to be with. I thought about that for a long time, and finally came to believe that he's right. I would rather pray to say that I had made a choice and felt good about it. Free agency still applies in love and marriage.

I loved how real the movie was! It really wasn't a chick flick love story inundating me with cliché lines and expectations that were unrealistically met:

1) Why is it so many people have those dreams about losing a tooth, falling, being in a tornado, etc.? Weird.

2) We don't just use first impressions to judge people. We often judge before we even meet people, before we give them a chance. Like when Tom heard from his friend that Summer was a prude (paraphrased). Then he's all "why is it pretty girls feel like they can treat other people like crap" (Also paraphrased).

3) Or when she said she had a good weekend. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read way too deep into things. Can I get an amen?

4) We use a selective memory. "Next time you look back, I really think you should look again."

5) Getting invited to a party by someone you like will rarely turn out the way you expect. More than once I've been invited to a party by someone I liked only to find myself surrounded by a bunch of her friends that I don't know, talking to a few strangers for awhile before I realize how stupid I was to fall for the old "come to my party" trick again, and leaving.

Anyway, I'm sure there's a bunch more I could say, but it's technically Christmas and Santa still hasn't come because I'm still awake, so.... yeah. Goodnight!

Honesty, anonymously

Try saying that 3 times fast!

I have a friend (who is a girl) who just moved in to a new ward. (I'm not sure if she reads my blog or not, so if you know this is about you and you're upset that I know the following about you, I'm sorry! Please don't be mad!)

That being said, she told a guy friend of mine that she wanted to make a good impression on the guys in her new ward and was wondering what it was she could do to be more attractive physically and in personality. She believes she has an issues with quickly becoming a friend and never moving past that phase.

Frankly, I like this approach of hers and I would like to propose that all of you who read this blog (and who know me personally) do the same.

The rules:

1. Be anonymous. When posting your comments/opinions, sign out of your own account and don't include your name. I'm fairly certain this is possible for everyone, but I'm not positive. I believe this will help people feel open to express their true opinions. (I think when it asks you to choose the profile you're posting as, there is an option to post as "anonymous.")
   
2. Be specific. If it's my hair, my dress, my musk, don't just state it. Let me know what you think I could/should do to be more appealing/pleasant.
3. Be honest. Remember that because it is anonymous I REALLY WON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I mean, I know who follows my blog and all, but I won't be able to match the comments with the profiles. And I won't look for ways to match them up either, because I don't care. I just want your true opinions/thoughts on the matter.
   
4. Be diverse. Try to include both physical and personality suggestions if you can.
   

I was going to include a 5th rule saying not to be rude, but I know none of you are so I don't worry about that :-) Of course you all know I can take a joke so it's not like you can't throw a jab here and there.

This is not an exercise in self-esteem building or compliment fishing! You can compliment, but only if you have a suggestion/opinion/general betterment to offer with it. And don't feel like you need to compliment me to offset a suggestion you have. I won't take it personally!

I really appreciate people's input. I've described my dating woes as self-inflicted a few times before, and it hasn't changed quite yet. But I would like to be prepared as best I can as soon as I finally come to my senses.

And that is about to happen very soon. I can feel it coming.

The Chase

I just figured this out about myself... again: I like the chase a lot, but I don't care too much for the catch.

Similar to my roommate's recent post, I think having what I want isn't what makes me happy, it's the thrill of wanting something I don't have. Not necessarily something I can't have, but just something I don't have. And maybe it's not just me. Perhaps this is the same reason why material things can't really bring you happiness.

In dating, it seems like as soon as I develop a crush on someone, I don't want to lose that wonderful/slightly ill feeling I get whenever I see them, talk to them, think of them, etc. I think subconsciously I want that feeling to stick around, so I take no action. I don't ask them out, I just hang out. I don't take risks, but I play it safe. I guess maybe I worry that if they're not interested, I'll have to replace that wonderful feeling I associate with them with a feeling of rejection.

But that gets me nowhere! I've already posted a few times about not passing up opportunities, but I have such a hard time actually taking advantage of them! (Granted, I have been doing better recently.)

So here it is: I want to hear your suggestions on how I need to go about changing my nature of passing up good dating opportunities when they're presented. Any rants/raves/ideas you have are welcome.

Humor

In reflecting on what it is that attracts me to certain people and not others, I think I've finally found that a good sense of humor is the personality trait for me that can make all the difference! What a great realization. I've always known it was important, but I was recently thinking about people I was initially attracted to, and then I lost interest in. I was wondering what it was about the person that turned me off to them. And today it finally clicked!

I wonder what it is about someone with a good sense of humor (which I realize is very likely a relative term) that attracts me so much? Maybe it's a charisma thing? Maybe it shows intelligence, or "easy-goingness", or "she-just-gets-it-ness"? Maybe I value my own sense of humor more than other personality traits of mine, and therefore I value it more in someone else too?

There's people I can think of now, people I still associate with, that I think are really attractive. But as I've gotten to know them I find that I'm not interested in more than friendship, and I now believe that humor is the factor that changes it all for me.

Sometimes I get torn though. Sometimes a girl just has so many good qualities that I appreciate, and when I'm not with her I think "I really should try to see if so-and-so and I would be a good match." Then when I'm around them I either feel uninteresting/boring, or uninterested/bored. I hate it, but I can't help it. It's not her fault, and I don't think it means she has a bad sense of humor, just that it doesn't mesh well with mine.

I can think of 6 girls off hand that I think I would be a good match with, and all of them are girls whose sense of humor I really appreciate. There are 3 girls I can think of off hand that I think have some great qualities, but don't have my kind of sense of humor, and that I don't think I'll pursue. (Although friendship still sounds great, but does that ever really work?)

Anyway, I've reached the point where I'm just beating a dead horse.

p.s. I'm not telling you who the girls are, so don't ask.

p.p.s. Then again, I may have just had my backside delivered to me by this. Make sure to read the whole post. (I had to click "continue reading" the first time, but I don't know if you will need to or not...)

Men

Randomly scrolling through the comments on a very good Zen Habits article I saw one of the girls commenting had a cute picture, so I clicked on it. (Sue me)

I've often found that when women write about men, they're usually venting some kind of emotion, and therefore say a lot of things they don't really mean, don't actually believe, or haven't quite thought all the way through. (Clearly this isn't always the case, and clearly men do the same thing.)

This article was a really good one though! I'd say for the most part it is very accurate and well thought-out. (The cleanliness one doesn't really apply to me. When I am messy, I'd say it's more clutter than dirt. And besides, most of the girls I know keep public areas of the house quite clean and everything else... well let's just say not as clean.)

Maybe I should venture to write a "10 things I've learned from dealing with women," but since I've only ever lived with a few (sisters) I probably couldn't contribute too much that wasn't already general knowledge. Maybe I should opt for co-ed housing in grad school (assuming I'm not married by then)?

Nah.

My own medicine

In my dating life, I've always been turned off by the idea of competing for a girl. I've always thought that I should be able to woo someone I'm interested without having to be just a little bit better than someone else. I guess in my mind that means that she would like me for who I am, and not just because I'm the best option at the time. (Even though those two can go together... if that makes any sense.)

I was talking with a friend about how I just kind of drop things if I find out a girl I'm interested in might be interested in someone else. "But what if she's a really great girl then? Is she still not worth fighting for?"

To me that seems like quite a loaded question. Nevertheless, it made me start to rethink my perspective on dating. Maybe I should follow my own advice instead of give up so easily. If it's something I want, that doens't mean I should give it up just because someone else might want it to.

Just a thought. Sorry if my self-inflicted dating woes bore you. You'll live.

Myself

I want to be myself as much as I can, but sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am most of the time.

The conclusion I've come to is that who I am is always changing. I try to be easygoing, but sometimes I'm not. I try to go with the flow but sometimes I get stuck in my ways. I try to learn new things but sometimes I just get lazy. Maybe instead of seeing myself as always short of who I want to be, I should be happy for the progress I've already made. Maybe that way I can find ways to change the things I want to, but not get down on myself when I fail. After all, it seems like it would be hard to be happy with change if you never feel good enough about it.

I noticed the other day that not only do I try to have certain qualities, but I try to avoid other qualities. I spend too much time worrying about who I don't want to become that I sometimes forget to work on becoming who I DO want to be.

For example, I often find myself thinking, "I want to [insert something that takes you out of your comfort zone, like asking a girl/guy you just met out], but I don't want to be one of THOSE guys/girls." Well what if I don't want to be one of those guys but I still want to do that uncomfortable thing? What if I think it'll help me grow?

A roommate and I were talking about how a tactic I read a little while ago. It's meant to be a way to get over the awkwardness you feel when trying to approach a total stranger. Basically stated, you practice. You go to a mall and just approach strangers and try to strike up a conversation. When I first hear that I think "well I want to be able to talk to random people and make friendships, but I don't want to be one of those guys..." Is any of this making sense?

Conclusion: less worrying about what other people think. Less worrying about what I think of other people. More risks to take, since I pretty much only have something to gain.

I did it!

I just added labels to all my past blog posts. You know how when you've got nothing to do, you finally get around to doing those things you've always meant to do, but never had time? Yeah, that's what today has been. I was going to go running, but instead I updated my blog and blogger profile...

While I'm here, I had a thought when I went to the airport a few weeks ago. We were sitting in the park & wait and I was noticing just how many people were there waiting for people they cared about to pick them up. I mean, going to the airport in the kind of weather that day is not a pleasant experience, but clearly it would be more pleasant to get to see/help out the friend or loved one that had been gone. It was touching in all of its "Love, Actually" manner. (I was looking for a good YouTube video to post here of the Love, Actually intro, but I could only find this. Please ignore the 80's quality music and the Arabic (Farsi? Elvish?) subtitles. Oh and at 1:00 you can just stop watching altogether cause then it cuts to the end and kinda ruins the mood.)

We're not as dumb as we want people to believe we are

Every time I hear someone say something along the lines of "he/she is just so dense, they don't pick up on all the signals I've been sending," I think "what's probably happening is that he/she isn't interested in you and they chose the 'ignore the problem until it goes away' approach." Men are particularly good at doing this.

I think I do a pretty good job at picking up on signals. I often just don't want to act on it / am too indecisive to know whether or not I want to act on it or not.

I like stream of consciousness

Maybe because it's later at night and I don't have the energy to organize my thoughts.

Why do we judge other people the way we do? I understand that we need to find ways to organize personalities and all primarily based on first impressions, but when we then close our minds to re-organizing and re-evaluating thins along the way, we cheat ourselves of the truth.

There was a girl in church today (Matt, you know who) who seemed unsually sad (although I didn't actually ask her about it). I started thinking about the perceptions I've had about this girl (high-maintenance, mostly friends with people outside the ward, sometimes misses her RS meetings, etc.) and began to realize that I have no right to judge someone else. I am basing all of my judgments off of very little contact time and mostly on first impressions. I love it when people surprise me and change my ideas about who they are. Maybe I should also feel a little guilty that I was too hasty in the past.

I can really appreciate it when people know exactly how to say what I've felt/been feeling. Today in sacrament meeting someone bore their testimony about how there are so many people around us that go through the same (or very similar) trials as we do. What good would it be for everyone else if they didn't have to go through hard times? And I don't even know how often I've thought to myself, "yeah, other people have issues too, but they couldn't have gone through anything this hard." And it's not just a "well I know at least the Savior has felt my pain" sort of thing. People I know have gone through the same problems and same trials! The ones who always seem happy and like everything is going well for them. The ones who I talk to all the time, and who I've felt like I've come to know them really well. Those same people know what it's like too! What a comfort!

I'm going to strive for shorter and more frequent posts from here on out. It seems like it's easier to keep people's attention that way. Plus I've forgotten all the other things I had on my mind. That's the downside to stream of consciousness writing I guess...

I am self destructive

Why do I do some of the things I do? How come I wait for time-sensitive things until my opportunity has passed me by?

It's like when an opportunity comes to me, I subconsciously think "it'll be around for awhile, no need to rush into anything or hurry it up." Then, almost without fail, the chance goes away and I never see it again.

Just the other day I saw a job listing that I thought would be fun. It was only 10 hours/week and paid pretty well, but I didn't call until about 3 pm (when I saw the listing at 10 am). By that time they had already filled the position!

I talked to a lady in Provo that wanted some extra help with her yard work once a week for only 2 hours, paying $10/hour, and I even went and talked to her. Then I never called her back. What the heck is that?

It's not just work -- it's internship opportunities, it's projects I could be working on, it's my dating life, it's exercise, it's making good meals, it's getting up and doing something productive, and I'm sure I could keep listing other things that I wait too long for.

I've gotten much better than I have been in the past, but I'm still not where I need to be. I have done a good job writing things down and to-do listing, but it's not enough!

I won't do it anymore. No more. I'm done. From now on I'm capitalizing on every opportunity that comes my way (within reason).

Should I stay or should I go?

Yes, please.

In tolerance

If you can think of what movie/TV show has a line about being so famous, you're IN famous (as a description of that infamous means) the you get 100 points and my respect, because I can't remember what it's from.

Anyway, my story begins as such: I was watching the Super Bowl and saw an awesome ad saying that Denny's will be giving out free breakfast to every American on Tuesday February 3rd. (Today). So we got a big group all excited to go (at least 12 or 13 people said they'd show up at out apartment at 7 am, 0 of whom followed through, meaning at 12 or 13 who completely bailed/flaked out.), I set my alarm for 6:45 (and 6:47 and 6:50 because I know myself and my snooze is 5 minutes), and when I woke up we heard that the line around Denny's (not IN Denny's, but AROUND it) was way too long to be worth it. Grrr. I'll live. I made my own pancakes and eggs and toast and OJ and called it my own free mini slam breakfast. I'm over it.

In my grief I set my status on Facebook to: "Bob is a little mad at Denny's for their super duper long line today and ruining our plans. Crappy free breakfast promise: curse you!" Someone commented saying "And this is just a glimpse of what life would be like if we had 'free' healthcare! AAARRRRGGHHHH!"

...

For a long time I was confused about why I seem to be one of a few who doesn't have really strong political opinions. I kept thinking that I must not be as educated, or perhaps not as involved as other people. Recently I've realized I'm just more of a "white" personality. (Not Caucasian. Refer to The Color Code to know what I really mean.) I'm a peacekeeper. I see all sides to practically everything. There are still things that I'm stubborn about, but deep down I can usually see why people believe what they believe.

I think rather than pushing our views onto people, we should try to understand where others come from. That sounds cliché, but whatever. We need tolerance in the world, not dramatic debates.

You're never going to find a policy (outside of the gospel) that can satisfy everyone. Free national healthcare? Interesting how it's mostly the wealthy that are against it and the poor that are for it. So maybe the woman who posted the comment to my status doesn't want there to be "long lines" in order for her to get health care. When's the last time she had to stand in line at a soup kitchen to get free food? She doesn't need to because she can pay for it otherwise. It seems ridiculous to her to need to wait for the throngs in order to get medical help. What if she couldn't afford it otherwise? I bet her opinion would change. Seems to me like pushing political theory will always hurt some and help some. So get off your high horse if you think you've got the "right opinion." You'll almost always notice me get an uncomfortable look when I'm around people who talk politics, partly because I don't know what they're talking about, partly because I don't care, and mostly because I play devil's advocate with them in my head and resolve to believing they think they're more right than they actually are.

Intolerance can be acceptable I think, notably when the intolerance is directed at a person/group being intolerant. (Nazi Germany is the first that comes to mind.) The Savior being intolerant of the moneychangers in the temple is another example. It's not a sin to be intolerant of sin. (For our everyday purposes, however, it may be a sin to be intolerant of a sinner. Excommunication/disfellowship(ment?) is meant to help the individual in the process to repentance, not as a punishment.)

Anyway, we should learn to be so tolerant that we're "IN tolerance" :-) I.e. tolerance surrounds us in such a way that we can accept what happens in life with a smile and an understanding that what doesn't kill us just makes us stronger. (If not physically, then at least metaphorically.)

Suggestions from a white personality with very limited experience:

• Put yourself in someone else's shoes.
• Don't be quick to judge.

• Try to do someone else's homework at least once (not as service, but as a humbling activity for yourself).
• Every time you find a bad quality in someone, match it with at least one equally-weighted good quality.
• Only poke fun at people you know would feel comfortable poking fun at you.
• Don't say "poke fun" in public. It's an annoying phrase. While you're at it, don't say the word "utilize" either. Ironically enough, the word "utilize" is useless. Just say "use." :-)
• Don't be judgmental of those who DO say "poke fun" or "utilize."

Yeah, I know I don't have much good advice. I suppose they're really just a few of the guidelines that I try to live by in general. Whatever. Leave your thoughts, cause I often like them more than my own.