This isn't one of those times that I've been wanting to blog about something for a long time. I'm literally in bed putting off going to sleep and thought "hmm I haven't blogged in a while... surewhynot"
I was reading an article about how women can see the signs of emotional abuse in a relationship. Having grown up with a feminist single mother, I've pretty much been naturally instilled with a strong respect for women. Maybe that's why most of my best friends are women? Iunno.
I'm in the middle of a 9-week coding course right now and one of the ladies in the course, a 39-year-old twice divorced single mother of like 12 foster kids (maybe some of them are hers? I think?) actually asked "so, how come you're 29 and not married?" (I thought questions like were only ever in those crummy Mormon movies like "The Singles Ward" and such, but I guess it happens for real. She's not even active LDS though, so maybe it's not just a Mormon thing.
"Are you afraid, is that it?" she asked, but not in a demeaning way. She genuinely wanted to know.
I thought over a number of my past relationships (or almost relationships) and realized (more like remembered) that 3 of the last 4 girls I've dated or was really interested in dating were the ones who ended it. I was genuinely ready to move forward, one of which I was seriously thinking about engagement.
So, I know I have my own stuff to work out like anyone does, but a fear of commitment definitely isn't one of them. The girls I choose seem to be the ones with the fear of commitment.
She felt a little bad for asking, not realizing that it's been a pretty sore subject for me. What I want to ask myself (but feel bad for doing so) is "why do I seem to be attracted to women with such emotional scarring? Or, better put, do I do something to make women freak out about committing, do I just choose women who have had traumatic experiences (at least two of those 4 is a strong yes, they have), or is it just me?"
So maybe it's just me? But, being a very introspective and self-aware person, I'm pretty convinced that's it. I compromise. I treat women like gold. I go out of my way to understand. I communicate, I adjust when something bothers her, but I stand my ground when I feel I need to. I give gifts, I serve, I do everything I would want someone to do for me.
Anyway, this isn't something I've figured out. This is just more of a stream of consciousness post anyway, so I'm just putting it out there. Maybe I need to do some more thinking about my dating life. Why am I so picky? Is it really pickiness? Maybe I'm looking for qualities that aren't important? I like to think I'm beyond that, at least.
When you've dated someone who was extraordinary from the get-go, it's tough to go back. I feel like I'm ruined from dating now, because my last girlfriend was so easy to date it's silly. So now it feels like I shouldn't have to work/force feelings to be interested in someone, because I've seen what dating can be like. It can be exciting from the beginning. It can be mutual. It can be sans dating games. You can both be beyond pretending to be the less interested one, delaying texts because you worry what the other person thinks, not calling because it's too soon they'll think I'm desperate. She broke up with a guy simply because she couldn't wait to work on a work project with me and we had just met days before. That felt good.
I'm not hung up on it. I know now she wasn't ready, and you can't force something when one party isn't ready. I'm totally fine now, except that dating sucks again and I get excited about someone only to go on a date and realize they're more boring than I thought, or they're less talkative than I thought, or...
I think it's time for more sincere prayer, because I'm not afraid to commit. I need someone who isn't either.