Recap

This isn't one of those times that I've been wanting to blog about something for a long time. I'm literally in bed putting off going to sleep and thought "hmm I haven't blogged in a while... surewhynot"

I was reading an article about how women can see the signs of emotional abuse in a relationship. Having grown up with a feminist single mother, I've pretty much been naturally instilled with a strong respect for women. Maybe that's why most of my best friends are women? Iunno.

I'm in the middle of a 9-week coding course right now and one of the ladies in the course, a 39-year-old twice divorced single mother of like 12 foster kids (maybe some of them are hers? I think?) actually asked "so, how come you're 29 and not married?" (I thought questions like were only ever in those crummy Mormon movies like "The Singles Ward" and such, but I guess it happens for real. She's not even active LDS though, so maybe it's not just a Mormon thing.

"Are you afraid, is that it?" she asked, but not in a demeaning way. She genuinely wanted to know.

I thought over a number of my past relationships (or almost relationships) and realized (more like remembered) that 3 of the last 4 girls I've dated or was really interested in dating were the ones who ended it. I was genuinely ready to move forward, one of which I was seriously thinking about engagement.

So, I know I have my own stuff to work out like anyone does, but a fear of commitment definitely isn't one of them. The girls I choose seem to be the ones with the fear of commitment.

She felt a little bad for asking, not realizing that it's been a pretty sore subject for me. What I want to ask myself (but feel bad for doing so) is "why do I seem to be attracted to women with such emotional scarring? Or, better put, do I do something to make women freak out about committing, do I just choose women who have had traumatic experiences (at least two of those 4 is a strong yes, they have), or is it just me?"

So maybe it's just me? But, being a very introspective and self-aware person, I'm pretty convinced that's it. I compromise. I treat women like gold. I go out of my way to understand. I communicate, I adjust when something bothers her, but I stand my ground when I feel I need to. I give gifts, I serve, I do everything I would want someone to do for me.

Anyway, this isn't something I've figured out. This is just more of a stream of consciousness post anyway, so I'm just putting it out there. Maybe I need to do some more thinking about my dating life. Why am I so picky? Is it really pickiness? Maybe I'm looking for qualities that aren't important? I like to think I'm beyond that, at least.

When you've dated someone who was extraordinary from the get-go, it's tough to go back. I feel like I'm ruined from dating now, because my last girlfriend was so easy to date it's silly. So now it feels like I shouldn't have to work/force feelings to be interested in someone, because I've seen what dating can be like. It can be exciting from the beginning. It can be mutual. It can be sans dating games. You can both be beyond pretending to be the less interested one, delaying texts because you worry what the other person thinks, not calling because it's too soon they'll think I'm desperate. She broke up with a guy simply because she couldn't wait to work on a work project with me and we had just met days before. That felt good.

I'm not hung up on it. I know now she wasn't ready, and you can't force something when one party isn't ready. I'm totally fine now, except that dating sucks again and I get excited about someone only to go on a date and realize they're more boring than I thought, or they're less talkative than I thought, or...

I think it's time for more sincere prayer, because I'm not afraid to commit. I need someone who isn't either.

Know anyone?

One year later

Wow, I pretty much completely forgot about this blog. Since I'm sure no one reads it anymore, it'll probably just be a place to mind vomit. I hate that term, btw, but it's the most accurate thing I can think of.

Geez, where to begin? Since November last year, I:

• Applied for and interviewed at a bunch of jobs.
• Didn't get those jobs because of a lack of experience, even though every interviewer praised my choice to spend a year after school learning things I didn't have time to learn in school.
• Dated a girl for just over a month before I realized I wasn't that into it. It was my first time really just letting myself try something out I wasn't 100% sure I wanted. It was worth it, although I did feel I spent too long to figure it out. Learned something for next time.
• Started a business. I figured if I didn't have the experience I needed and no one would give it to me, I'd make my own. Kinda fell in my lap, but I ran with it for 7 months. It grew like crazy for a bootstrapped business, and it's still heading upward, although my stepdad is doing almost everything with it now.
• Dated another girl. Fell in love. Then got my heart really, truly broken for the first time ever. I believe it now when I read quotes that say you never really get over being in love with someone, you just learn to move on. I'm still trying to do the latter, and not succeeding very well yet. Learned that letting fear linger in a relationship is the quickest way to end it, no matter how thriving it is/was. Learned a LOT about relying on the Lord continually, and a LOT about how difficult it is to say "thy will be done." Most of my prayers are still "thy will be done, but if it's all the same to you, please find a way for this to still work out!" I'm still not sure how to move on, but the pain is more dull and less sharp now, so at least I can manage it a little better.
• Got a new full-time job. Looks like my plan to make my own experience paid off, since I interviewed for 2 jobs and was offered both of them. I'm working in a digital marketing company in Lehi, UT. My title is technically Enterprise Digital Marketer, but really I'm a Jr. Account Manager with a lot of room for growth. The company is exploding with new business and they're pretty aggressive with their pay raises. Feels so good to find some stability when life has shaken everything else up so violently.

That's pretty much everything in a nut shell. It's been one of the strangest, most unpredictable years ever. Haven't had this many highs and lows since my mission.

I'm looking for a new place to live, but I don't know if I could handle living alone right now. That may be one too many changes for me in a short period of time. I think I could handle moving somewhere with a roommate or two (or three) as long as it was still in my ward boundaries. Any more than that, I think I might panic. Probably in 3 or 4 months I could handle moving to a new ward? Not really sure, but I've learned to just take things one day at a time.

Anyway, that's about it! I don't think there's anyone to read this anyway, but it's always good to have a little recap in life.

Peace!

Why I lean ever-so-slightly to the left

I'm not an extraordinarily opinionated person. In fact, I pride myself quite a bit on being able to see issues from different viewpoints, and understand the benefits of different courses of action. However, through the course of this 2012 election, I've come to realize that although I will probably forever be an independent, I lean just slightly to the democratic side of the issues. And here's my reasoning, accept or reject it as you may:

The separation of church and state and the freedom of religion is sort of the basis of it all. This, to me, is sort of the social version of the Christian idea of free agency - the ability/right to make decisions on our own and to suffer the consequences. The beliefs of others, for the most part, I feel shouldn't be imposed upon me, and mine shouldn't be imposed upon others. This holds up as long as their beliefs don't put me in any kind of immediate danger (or "clear and present danger," to borrow lingo from a supreme court case about the limitations of freedom of speech). To use the traditional example, falsely yelling "fire!" in a crowded theater causing a panic is an example of the limitation of the freedom of speech because it puts people in a clear and present danger of being trampled.

So many of my (still-forming) beliefs on the social issues (doesn't apply so much to the economic ones) are based on this idea: just because I believe something doesn't mean we should pass legislation that imposes that beliefs universally. Take abortion for example. I'm not a supporter of abortion. I not only think it has some pretty heavy spiritual ramifications, but I've spoken with a few women who have had one (not a great sample, I know) and it has some pretty heavy permanent emotional ramifications as well. But I can't use that as an excuse to forbid someone from making their own decision, especially since the story gets all hairy when it comes to rape and incest. (It's not okay to kill babies except when in instances of rape or incest? If your main objection to abortion is that it is killing babies, why would it ever be okay to kill babies?) And as a side note, why is it opposers of abortion are also so heavily in favor of the death penalty?

It's the same idea behind the freedom of speech. I'm not a person who enjoys that there are picketers outside of temple square every six months to make a mockery of what I believe to be the truth. But they have every right to be there. The fact that they are there simply reminds me that we are so free in this country that we don't have to worry about getting in trouble for expressing our beliefs. Sort of the "I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it" thing.

So, for example, I hate pornography. I think it does so much damage to this world, to families, the individuals, to relationships, and to spirit. But I don't think it should be outlawed. It is protected under the same freedom of speech that guarantees we never have to worry about being publicly executed for expressing our opinions. And no one is being forced to look at it, to boot. (This is not a political example, since I don't think anyone is hoping to ban pornography.)

Economically, I know that through this election the candidates (especially Mitt Romney) have been addressing the "entitlement nation," those who have come to rely on the government for their sustainability and are not making the jump to self-sustainability despite being fully capable of doing so. To get rid of entitlement programs, in my mind, is to throw the baby out with the bath water. Universal health care adds coverage to SO many new people who previously could either not afford it or not receive the benefits of health insurance coverage due to previously existing conditions, that it more than negates the bad that may come from it.

Anyway, I'm sure I could continue but I've waxed boring enough for one day. This is not me saying that I have no room for being convinced otherwise (an ailment that I see as being the biggest culprit of government inaction today -- stubbornness and pride) or that new facts coming to light wouldn't completely change my mind. I also have completely left out things I agree with the right about, and I wholly admit that I don't know enough about economics to know what is the "right" course of action. (Actually I think it's foolish to think there is one "right" course of action, especially when it comes to politics. There is and always will be an argument on the other side that makes completely valid points and brings the issue to a standstill. And as a side note, I would rather test out someone's hypothesis and see where it goes and then make corrections rather than not do anything while people in congress argue about it. This is why I don't really care who wins today's election: Mitt Romney changes everything put in place in the past four years and it works out great? Awesome! It doesn't? Then we know better which course of action to take. Obama gets another four years and his policies have time to take effect and they work? Awesome! If not, then we get a new person who will have a more clear idea of how to fix problems. And although the meantime may be painful while working out the kinks, I still think this would solve the problems faster than bickering and blocking in congress does.)

Anyway, this is where I stand for now, slightly leaning to the left. And now it may make more sense (and give more meaning to) when a democrat says they stand for freedom.

Metaphor

This may be a metaphor for my dating life and why I'm still single. (Too lazy? Too picky? However you want to think about it, my point is it's probably mostly my own fault.)

Bucket List

So it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm pretty sure I'm going to try to make up for it by posting twice. (It's like when you eat a salad after eating a steak to even out your diet, right? That makes sense I'm pretty sure...)

So I was extraordinarily motivated late one night while I was daydreaming about my new goal to travel the world. I came up with a loosely-organized plan, listed all the places I want to visit, tried to find the cheapest way to do it all, and wrote it all down in an Evernote list.

Then while I was motivated I came up with a bucket list. I expected to forget all about it and procrastinate doing any of it. But it turns out when you're unemployed you've got lots of free time (that which isn't being spent applying places, that is...) to do the stuff you've always been meaning to do.

Anyway, here's my work-in-progress list. I'm currently working on four of them. These are not in any kind of prioritized order.

• Travel the world
• Chop down a tree with an ax
• Mona rope swing one more time
• Ask out a complete stranger
• Build a computer from components
• Learn to make beautiful websites
• Go to culinary school (or at least a few great culinary classes)
• Get married to the girl of my dreams
• Move out of Utah
• Learn/memorize how to fold a fitted sheet
• Fly a kite from a mountain
• Leave a message in a bottle with my contact info
• Do as much family history research as I can get information for
• Go on a date in a foreign country
• Learn Spanish
• Learn French
• Learn Italian
• Learn Japanese
• Learn to do a kick flip on a skateboard
• Learn how to do a backflip
• Make money from selling an iPhone app
• Start a successful business
• Learn to sing like I've always wanted to be able to
• Learn to play the piano
• Start practicing violin again and perform again at least once
• Try growing my hair out
• Ride an elephant
• Be in a place with 24 hours of light/darkness
• See the northern lights
• Throw and catch a boomerang
• Take a road trip on a motorcycle
• Learn to sail
• Learn to tie all those knots from boy scouts I forgot (and know when they're used)
• Learn to pick a lock
• Learn to hot wire a car (if reasonably possible...?)

Can you guess which four I'm currently engaged in?

Brave

It's not that Brave wasn't a good movie. It just wasn't a great Pixar movie.

Find me a moment in Pixar's Brave that elicits an emotion like any one of these clips, and I'll change my mind and say it was a worthwhile Pixar endeavor.

Better grab some tissues.

Toy Story 2



Monsters, Inc.



Finding Nemo



WALL-E
(This is a bit self-serving because the first video here is one that I posted to YouTube because I couldn't find a high quality one.





Up

You ready for this?





Toy Story 3


I can't embed it for some reason, so just follow this link -------> You won't regret it.

Truth

Part of my problem in a graph.

Rooney

I have to preface this by saying that the lyrics will make me sound like I'm bitter about stuff, but I'm not. Well, to a very small degree, but whatever. I'm not mad :) It's more that it's hard when you finally get a chance to step back and take a look at the big picture of a relationship and realize that things could have been so good had it not been for certain circumstances outside of my control.

It also hard when you see the person you care for going in a direction that, at least in my opinion, is less fulfilling than it would otherwise be. But maybe I'm just being biased. I guess I just think I'm a pretty great catch :P

Rooney - When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

Love don't come so easily
This doesn't have to end in tragedy
I have you and you have me
We're one in a million
Why can't you see?

I'm waiting, waiting for nothing
You're leaving, leaving me hanging
When did your heart go missing?
When did your heart go missing?
I treat you like a princess
But your life is just one big mess
When did your heart go missing?
When did your heart go missing, yeah?

I meant every word I said
I never was lying when we talked in bed
I'm retracing every step in my head
What did I miss back then?
I was so, so misled

I'm waiting, waiting for nothing
You're leaving, leaving me hanging
When did your heart go missing?
When did your heart go missing?
I treat you like a princess
But your life is just one big mess
When did your heart go missing?
When did your heart go missing?

I don't understand
How could you forget what we had,
It's so wrong

I'm waiting, waiting for nothing
You're leaving, leaving me hanging
When did your heart go missing?
When did your heart go missing?
I treat you like a princess
But your life is just one big mess
When did your heart go missing?
When did your heart go missing?

Pandora

Today I hate you, Jason Mraz Pandora station. How do you choose all the music that fills me with doubt, fear, and nostalgia? It's quite a talent you have.

Quit it!

-BZ

My problem

The biggest problem with not having been in a relationship for so long is that when one starts to come up, I enact a self-fulfilling prophecy by worrying that I'm going to mess things up.

Why can't I be less of a girl and stop over analyzing everything? (No offense to any girls reading this.)

Nope, instead I read into every little thing and play it up to be something much bigger than it probably is.

To anyone else who has this problem: what are your coping techniques? Advice?