Over-thinking

I like the way wikipedia explains Occam's Razor as "a principle that generally recommends selecting the competing hypothesis that makes the fewest new assumptions."


But I naturally tend towards making a ton of new assumptions, and then reacting emotionally based on those new assumptions. When I don't have all the information, I assume the worst and react based on that assumption. Makes no sense.


On a somewhat related note, I wanted to relate something I've learned over the past few weeks, relationship-wise. Over-thinking relationships can be the death of them. (Or suffocate them before they can even start. Kinda like the seeds sown in the weeds in Mark 4:3-9)


Here's what I mean. To myself, I am a very persuasive person. In the same way I convince myself that a slew of new assumptions are true, I can convince myself that pretty much anything I don't know much about is true. I can also pretty much talk myself out of anything.


Especially in Provo (maybe all of Utah?), I think the thought pattern goes like this: (feel free to change the gender, because it goes both ways)

"I dunno, I think I kinda like her. But I still don't really know. I should keep dating around to see if she's really the one for me."

"Yeah, I don't know that I'm really super interested in her."

"She's not really my type."

These thoughts, in my opinion, are really just ways to think yourself out of having a relationship that could potentially become something very meaningful. I think part of it also assumes that the "commitment gap" (as I'll call it) between (1) going on dates, (2) dating exclusively, and (3) being engaged are something like this:

(1) ----------- (2) ----------- (3)

Where it is as big a commitment to move from 1 to 2 as it is to move from 2 to 3.

What?!

I mean, maybe we don't consciously think that, but I for one sure act like it. "I don't know if I'm super interested in her." (So... really you're thinking 'why take the huge irreversible step (note the sarcasm) to date her exclusively to find out how interested I am?' Is that what I am really thinking?) "She's not really my type." (How do you know? You've only ever gone after the same kind of person before!)

The gap is truly more like this:

(1) -- (2) ------------------------- (3)

Moral of the story: don't avoid getting into a relationship because it may not work out. Doing so is basically like saying you will only date exclusively the person you fully intend to marry. And then how do you gain experience?

My first philosophy: if I'm not interested after the 1st date, I probably won't ask her out again.

My last philosophy: always go on a second date and keep an open mind. First dates are bad for really getting to know someone

My newest philosophy: just freaking date people! Obviously if there are red flags, then don't go there. But if you're honestly not sure, I say just go for it! The worst thing that could happen is you find out you're not really that interested, and you break up and move on. Isn't that basically the definition of dating before marriage? You learn facts about people on the first few dates. You don't really get to know the person until a pretty substantial amount of time (and maybe even a certain level of commitment?) is spent with them.

If you think too hard about it, you'll probably talk yourself out of it. And maybe even out of feelings you once had for someone.

Believe me. It happens. Unfortunately.

Maud Muller

You've probably heard the line Pres. Monson quotes a lot in conference:

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

(Ugh, just reading that breaks my heart a little bit. How come it feels like I still have regrets for something not working out even when I did everything I could? Maybe it's not a regret, but just the thought of what might have been.)

Well if you have a couple of minutes you should read the whole poem. It's a great and sad story. And a perfect example of why having no regrets is so amazing.

Peeing in the pool

So I had a friend the other day give the analogy that dating within your ward was like peeing in a pool. I didn't agree.

Then I was about to write a blog post about how I didn't agree, until another friend helped me realize just how bad it can be. I guess because I haven't experienced the negative stuff that can happen, I didn't really understand.

Now I'm writing a blog post with the conclusion that "peeing in the pool" is worth the risk, but with the purpose to spark a discussion and see what people think about it. Here are my thoughts (they are not very well formulated, and because I am inexperienced in this matter, they are subject to change. Leave comments letting me know what you think):

I remember having a conversation (I think it was with Ace, but may have been with Matt) about how so many girls (at the time) were saying they didn't want to give a relationship a chance because they were afraid of what would happen if it didn't work out.

We all know that high risk gives high returns, and modest risk gives modest returns. My question (and I guess my argument for why it is worth "peeing in the pool") is: when we are dating, are we looking for high returns or only modest returns?

Obviously we shouldn't only go on dates with people we feel we could marry. We should go on dates with people we think we could have fun with, and with the purpose of seeing if we could date the person more exclusively. Then we continue to date exclusively to see if we could get engaged. And we get engaged as a precursor to actual marriage. The steps are important, and one shouldn't be too focused on the end, but rather focused on the means.

But I've known too many people who dated and married someone in their ward to believe that it isn't worth giving people in your ward a chance simply because of what could happen if it didn't work out.

Sure there is a distinct possibility that one person will break up with the other, and it will cause awkward, crappy situations where you don't want to be around the person/try to avoid them, etc. That's something that comes with high risk.

But I would bet that most people who have had that happen to them have come out better in the end, with more experience and a better understanding of what they want in a spouse. It sucks in the meantime, but is beneficial in the long run.

I've spent way too much of my life avoiding risk. I can tell you from personal experience that modest risk has returned modest rewards. If you know of someone in your ward who you would date if only you knew for sure that it would work out, I say just go for it!


Take the risk. Because what people regret most in the long run is not having taken enough risks in life. 


(Just read the five points the writer of that last blog entry makes. They're worth the time.)

I wish I could post pictures

It'll be worth your time to read this whole post. I know it's long, but push through!

So usually I hate when people go to cool places where I don't get to go and then have tons of fun without me and get to do tons of cool stuff that I don't get to do.

As of about 3pm yesterday I was figuring that this wasn't going to be one of those trips. Then the after-3pm stuff happened.

Sorry, but I'm going to be one of those people for the next couple of days.

Yesterday (pre-3pm), along with everyone from the BYU AdLab, we got to go to a number of lectures and panels. It was pretty neat to get to hear people like Russell Simmons, John Legend, ?estlove, Ricky Carmichael, Spike Lee, and other "big" people like the CEO of Nascar speak to us about marketing, advertising and the changing environment for everything. But we were all so tired, you guys. The plane ride I was on had a very loud group of Vietnamese passengers in the row in front of me. As in my earplugs were all the way in (like, I'm-about-to-lose-them-in-my-ear-forever deep) and their chattering was keeping me awake. I got about 1.5 hours of sleep I think)

Anyway, Jeff scored us all some tickets to the Billboard concert featuring the aforementioned John Legend (playing with The Roots). The first opener was some random gospel choir, so I wasn't expecting to leave my comfortable seat about 150 feet behind the floor in front of the stage. Then I changed my mind and went and joined the AdLab group.

Enter, by complete surprise, Bruno Mars (Here and Here). Well, long story short, that was awesome. I'm definitely going to buy his music now because he is so super good, and I may or may not have a slight man crush on him now...

Today we opted out of attending any of the AdWeek stuff (a decision made slowly, as we were originally planning on attending at least one event today, but then we got so caught up with everything else we eventually chose not to do any of them.) We did, however, visit McCann Worldgroup and Naked Communications, both of which were pretty great.

Then we walked. Forever. Down to Chinatown, WTC Ground Zero, and across the Brooklyn bridge. Then my feet fell off.

Oh yeah and we ran into Joseph Gordon-Levitt on some random small street. He was on the phone with a suitcase. This is a guy who I've watched in movies and TV shows since I was little. (Angels in the Outfield, 3rd Rock from the Sun, 500 Days of Summer, G.I. Joe, and of course Inception.) Weird. We went back to try and get a picture with him, but he was like "Sorry, I've really got to stay on this call. Sorry!" (Or something along those lines.) I got a random picture of him from behind from super far away, but you definitely can't tell it's him. Oh well.

Ok, I'm going to walk back to the loft and get ready for bed. Tomorrow morning is Central Park relaxation morning, before all the craziness of day 3 hits.

Oh yeah, I'm definitely in a McDonald's using the free wifi since we can't get it to work in our loft.

Oh yeah and I think I'm setting myself up for some serious disappointment. Maybe I should be more prudent. But deep inside I feel like I can't give up yet. Because I would seriously regret giving up without a fight. And I already have enough regrets.


Whatever. I can handle disappointment, but I can't take any more regrets. I will be more prudent though.

No Regrets

"I would rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not." - Lucille Ball

"The only thing you live to regret are the risks you didn't take." - ?

I really wish I could remember who first told me about the concept of making decisions based on a "no regrets" principle.

It is a genius and terrifying idea. I'm going to try it.

Basic idea: make your more important decisions by asking yourself "will I regret it if I don't _______?" If you will, then DO IT! If you won't, then it doesn't matter either way, so you can stop worrying about it.

My life is plagued with bruises created from kicking myself for not doing or saying something I now wish I had, risks I wish I had taken, and rewards I know I sacrificed because I didn't.

I just have to think, "what do I really have to lose? Pride? Self-esteem?" The truth is the only thing I usually have to lose is an opportunity, and I have already lost too many of those.

"Looking back, I have this regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." - David Gayson

P.s. just for fun: another way I make decisions between two alternatives is to flip a coin and then gauge how I feel based on the outcome. If I'm disappointed, I know I really wanted the other outcome. Do any of you have other good methods of making decisions?