Bucket List

So it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm pretty sure I'm going to try to make up for it by posting twice. (It's like when you eat a salad after eating a steak to even out your diet, right? That makes sense I'm pretty sure...)

So I was extraordinarily motivated late one night while I was daydreaming about my new goal to travel the world. I came up with a loosely-organized plan, listed all the places I want to visit, tried to find the cheapest way to do it all, and wrote it all down in an Evernote list.

Then while I was motivated I came up with a bucket list. I expected to forget all about it and procrastinate doing any of it. But it turns out when you're unemployed you've got lots of free time (that which isn't being spent applying places, that is...) to do the stuff you've always been meaning to do.

Anyway, here's my work-in-progress list. I'm currently working on four of them. These are not in any kind of prioritized order.

• Travel the world
• Chop down a tree with an ax
• Mona rope swing one more time
• Ask out a complete stranger
• Build a computer from components
• Learn to make beautiful websites
• Go to culinary school (or at least a few great culinary classes)
• Get married to the girl of my dreams
• Move out of Utah
• Learn/memorize how to fold a fitted sheet
• Fly a kite from a mountain
• Leave a message in a bottle with my contact info
• Do as much family history research as I can get information for
• Go on a date in a foreign country
• Learn Spanish
• Learn French
• Learn Italian
• Learn Japanese
• Learn to do a kick flip on a skateboard
• Learn how to do a backflip
• Make money from selling an iPhone app
• Start a successful business
• Learn to sing like I've always wanted to be able to
• Learn to play the piano
• Start practicing violin again and perform again at least once
• Try growing my hair out
• Ride an elephant
• Be in a place with 24 hours of light/darkness
• See the northern lights
• Throw and catch a boomerang
• Take a road trip on a motorcycle
• Learn to sail
• Learn to tie all those knots from boy scouts I forgot (and know when they're used)
• Learn to pick a lock
• Learn to hot wire a car (if reasonably possible...?)

Can you guess which four I'm currently engaged in?

Over-thinking

I like the way wikipedia explains Occam's Razor as "a principle that generally recommends selecting the competing hypothesis that makes the fewest new assumptions."


But I naturally tend towards making a ton of new assumptions, and then reacting emotionally based on those new assumptions. When I don't have all the information, I assume the worst and react based on that assumption. Makes no sense.


On a somewhat related note, I wanted to relate something I've learned over the past few weeks, relationship-wise. Over-thinking relationships can be the death of them. (Or suffocate them before they can even start. Kinda like the seeds sown in the weeds in Mark 4:3-9)


Here's what I mean. To myself, I am a very persuasive person. In the same way I convince myself that a slew of new assumptions are true, I can convince myself that pretty much anything I don't know much about is true. I can also pretty much talk myself out of anything.


Especially in Provo (maybe all of Utah?), I think the thought pattern goes like this: (feel free to change the gender, because it goes both ways)

"I dunno, I think I kinda like her. But I still don't really know. I should keep dating around to see if she's really the one for me."

"Yeah, I don't know that I'm really super interested in her."

"She's not really my type."

These thoughts, in my opinion, are really just ways to think yourself out of having a relationship that could potentially become something very meaningful. I think part of it also assumes that the "commitment gap" (as I'll call it) between (1) going on dates, (2) dating exclusively, and (3) being engaged are something like this:

(1) ----------- (2) ----------- (3)

Where it is as big a commitment to move from 1 to 2 as it is to move from 2 to 3.

What?!

I mean, maybe we don't consciously think that, but I for one sure act like it. "I don't know if I'm super interested in her." (So... really you're thinking 'why take the huge irreversible step (note the sarcasm) to date her exclusively to find out how interested I am?' Is that what I am really thinking?) "She's not really my type." (How do you know? You've only ever gone after the same kind of person before!)

The gap is truly more like this:

(1) -- (2) ------------------------- (3)

Moral of the story: don't avoid getting into a relationship because it may not work out. Doing so is basically like saying you will only date exclusively the person you fully intend to marry. And then how do you gain experience?

My first philosophy: if I'm not interested after the 1st date, I probably won't ask her out again.

My last philosophy: always go on a second date and keep an open mind. First dates are bad for really getting to know someone

My newest philosophy: just freaking date people! Obviously if there are red flags, then don't go there. But if you're honestly not sure, I say just go for it! The worst thing that could happen is you find out you're not really that interested, and you break up and move on. Isn't that basically the definition of dating before marriage? You learn facts about people on the first few dates. You don't really get to know the person until a pretty substantial amount of time (and maybe even a certain level of commitment?) is spent with them.

If you think too hard about it, you'll probably talk yourself out of it. And maybe even out of feelings you once had for someone.

Believe me. It happens. Unfortunately.

Overwhelming

My checklist of things to do before I leave for LaGuardia airport to fly back to Provo for the rest of summer:

• Finish preparations for and give our Comms 381 group presentation
• Write three 5-paragraph essays for my Comms 381 final
• Finish up and fax in all my internship forms and do an exit interview for BBDO
• Return a bunch of clothes for H&M
• Buy a new suit from a shop we found a few weeks ago
• Do all of my laundry
• Pack everything, including figuring out how I'm going to fit the tennis balls I bought. (This may include buying a cheap new suitcase)
• Write thank you notes to the people I've been working with at BBDO New York
• Take pictures with the friends I've made in the program and say my goodbyes
• Somewhere in here get 2 nights worth of sleep (yeah right)
• Go to work tomorrow (this will have to end up being a half day for me, as I can't finish everything otherwise)

I feel just as blindsided by having to leave NYC as I was to leave Provo. I wasn't very emotionally affected by leaving Provo until I was in the car on the way to the airport.

I wonder when it'll finally hit me that my time here is over already.

Maud Muller

You've probably heard the line Pres. Monson quotes a lot in conference:

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

(Ugh, just reading that breaks my heart a little bit. How come it feels like I still have regrets for something not working out even when I did everything I could? Maybe it's not a regret, but just the thought of what might have been.)

Well if you have a couple of minutes you should read the whole poem. It's a great and sad story. And a perfect example of why having no regrets is so amazing.

Perfection

This blog post is definitely one of the best I've read in a very long time.


It says things in a way that I had thought about them but never actually said them myself. And now that I've read it I have so many thoughts about it floating around, that I doubt I'll be able to write them all and keep people's attention.


Here is my favorite part of the post:


"The cure [to the "perfection disease"] is so simple.

Be real.

Be bold about your weaknesses and you  will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.

You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more."

So good! There truly are people I know who seem to have everything going for them - good looks, doing well in school or work, ambition, drive, great sense of humor, lots of friends, etc. And this is not to say that they only have these things going for them to keep up an appearance of perfection, but we should all remember that even these people have problems. We are not the only people with problems. We really aren't alone.

A friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago that we are all a little insecure about ourselves. This isn't news to me, but it can be such a relief to hear someone else say it, especially when it is someone who has so much going for them.

If we treat other people not as if they are perfect, but make sure they know we accept them with all of their imperfections, we can really help cure this "disease of perfection."

On the other hand (although we definitely want to compliment people on their accomplishments) if we treat people as if they can do no wrong, it adds a pressure to them that they don't deserve. We should always be aware when someone might be going through a difficult time, and be ready to just be real with them.

So here's me being real. Hopefully I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way. Maybe if I put this dirty laundry out there a little bit, you'll realize you're not alone:

• Sometimes I don't feel happy for other people's successes.
• Sometimes I assume, when I see people laughing, that they are laughing at my expense.
• I often don't try new things in front of other people because I'm afraid I won't be as good at it as them.
• Sometimes I question if I really know myself very well at all. And sometimes I wonder why some people even want to be around me.
• Most of the time I overanalyze things.

There are so many more but don't want people to think I'm depressed or anything, because I'm not :-) I love my life, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my major.

But even if you are depressed, I wouldn't judge you for that, because it happens. And you're not alone. And I hope that we're good enough friends for you to know that you can come to me if you need someone to listen.

Ughmath

The title is in opposition of the YouTube channel "Yaymath," which has actually given me a great review of math principles I've forgotten over the years.

Speaking of math, I think that if you let f(x) = (1/x) = number of showers I took today, x being the amount of busyness/fun I had today, then:

lim x->infinity f(x) = 1/x = 0.

In other (real-people) words, I was so super busy/had so much fun today that I definitely never had a chance to take a shower... whoops.

Woke up at 8, studied math until 9:45, took my test from 10-12, regretted some of my answers from 12:15-12:45, picked up Ari to run some prepare-for-NYC errands, etc. from 1-3:20, sold another football ticket/went to the dismal football game from 3:20-6-ish, ate some Dairy Queen, gassed up my car, and went to the Real Salt Lake Soccer game from 7-11-ish.

Some concerns of mine as of late:

• I don't know how things are happening in NYC yet. I don't even know where our place is...
• I feel like I should feel like I have a TON to do to get ready for NYC, but I feel like I just need to pack and then I'll be ready.
• I find myself wanting to listen to Dashboard Confessional. Those of you who really know me know what that means.
• I *really* want to get As in all of my classes this semester but I'm starting to wonder if that's going to happen...

Well I'm going to bed. This should be an interesting week to say the least.

My childhood in videos

Having just talked to my dad for Father's Day, spending time reminiscing about me when I was young, we got to talking about the movies/videos that I always watched when I was just a young'un. I remembered a lot of it, but some of it my dad reminded me of, and I just had to share it with someone.

So, thanks to the miracle that is YouTube, here is a summary of a number of my childhood memories. Oh the memories :-)

George Harrison - I Got my Mind Set on You



MC Hammer - U Can't Touch This

I guess embedding of MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This" is disabled, so here's the link if you want an awesome blast from the past:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otCpCn0l4Wo

Star Wars - Jabba the Hutt
 
Sorry about the subtitles in this one.





An American Tail - Never Say Never



Babar



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II - The Arcade Game for Nintendo

Obviously you don't need to watch all of this. Plus the guy playing has no idea what he's doing, I could play circles around him in this game :-) (Boy, if that doesn't make me cool, I don't know what does!)



Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers

Another one with disabled embedding. You won't be disappointed by watching this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0YkXmebAGM


Wow. I had a great childhood! :-)

I guess this weekend wasn't for resting

Friday:

Internship meeting from 12-1 as usual. Then I met with my mom in Murray to look at our auto insurance policy. Apparently my credit rating and driving record are so good that by switching our plan to put it under my name reduced our policy's premium from over $1500 every 6 months to $601 every 6 months! Ka-Ching (says my mom)!

I get home just in time to leave for the Hot Springs in Spanish Fork Canyon. What a place! It was super secluded (about a 45 minute hike from the trail head, which was about a 10-15 minute drive from the highway) and extremely scenic! (To see pictures, click here).

Then we went to In-N-Out. The guy who joined our group at the hot springs (who was originally there by himself... yeah...) must have overheard that we were going to In-N-Out and I guess he followed us there. A little bit creepy...

Then of course hot tubbing and swimming, since we apparently didn't get enough of the water.

Saturday:

10am Ultimate game. We weren't at full strength, were missing one of our best players, and had a player with an ankle injury (way to walk back and forth between end zones, Nat! Sorry we couldn't get it to you better...), and we lost. I think losing 6-12 isn't so bad when you are so outnumbered.

Then went to watch the Soccer game. We also lost that. I guess we couldn't expect much being one man down, and when the other team has a bunch of Hispanic players and an African player. (Complimentary racism?)

Ward activity at Rock Canyon park with a water balloon civil war. I wish I had pictures of that. Oh well.

Volleyball at the Riv at night. Fun times.

A couple of episodes of 24. It's sickening that we have only 1 more episode left in season 1 when we started like 10 days ago. It's also awesome.

Well time for bed. I'm still awake because I took a 2-hour nap today, but maybe I can manage a little sleep before tomorrow.

Those who read all the way to the end: leave a comment on what you're thinking about right now.

Signs

There's no place like home

I'm not entirely sure what I want to say, which is odd because most of the times I blog, I do it because I think of something I think is interesting, look around me to see that no one is around, so I tell everyone instead. (And of course by "everyone" I mean those (lucky?) few who actually read this.

So I don't deal with change very well. On my mission whenever I was moved to a new area I went through mini bouts of depression (just feeling down, not really depression) for anywhere from a day to almost a week. I always got over it though once I remembered that the Lord's work is great everywhere. (Although definitely harder in some places...)

And then sometimes I just ignore the situation and hope I will get used to the idea of the change over time without getting down. So far this has been how I've dealt with my whole strange family situation over the past few months. Maybe I'll talk about it more in the future. For now it is sufficient to know that things will work out well, but it will probably be just under 3 years until that is true.

Today was, bar none, the most productive day I've had all semester. I woke up at 8:30 (early-ish for me) and graded about 110 papers. Then I started making the book for my media class presentation. By 1:40 I was in the adlab making videos for my account management presentation, which took me until about 6:30. So I was basically going straight from 8:30am to 6:30pm. The sad thing is this is probably how many of you spend most of your days, and you're thinking "that's the most productive you've been this year? Wow, I'll trade lives with you any day!"

That's alright.

K I'm rambling, so I'm going to bed so I can go to church. I haven't gotten to take the sacrament in 2 weeks (general conference weekend, then a friend's baby blessing that took place at the same time as sacrament meeting. I can definitely feel a difference, and can't wait for sacrament meeting tomorrow.

Weird how we (I?) take things for granted so often.

Oh yeah, and how do you like new look of my blog?

To-do List

So I seriously have the worst memory of anyone I know. I'm not sure what brings it on. Sometimes I feel like I'm very smart in some ways, and very dumb in others, and when it comes to remembering things, I definitely fall on the dumber side...

So I make lists. Except when I forget to. And then sometimes I forget to look at the lists.

• Find housing for Fall/Winter of next year
• Figure out my schedule and what classes to take in order to boost my GPA as much as possible
• Make sure I have something substantial to do this Summer
• Find somewhere to volunteer regularly
• Get back in to doing things in the AdLab
• Learn SEO (work with LeadGenix?) and see if my idea for an NPO could work...
• Get involved in some other program where I can gain leadership skills
• Get a job -or- see if I can get the bulk sales thing going to make some side cash while I attempt to stay sane doing everything else above.

The funny thing is I know I can do it all, but fear of failure stops me.

No more.

My own (500) Days of Summer input

Inspired by Virginia's post about this movie, I thought I would add my own random, probably poorly-thought-out thoughts.

I sincerely hope that when the narrator at the end was saying that Tom Hansen had learned that there was no such thing as fate and destiny, that he wasn't being sarcastic.

Okay, I take that back. What I should say is I'm disappointed that the narrator was being sarcastic when he said "Tom had finally learned that there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be. He knew. He was sure of it now..."

Granted, it flows well with the theme of the movie. I just don't agree with it. (Well, except the miracles part, but not in the context they're talking about). There really is no such thing as fate or a "meant to be." If you feel you love someone and they don't love you back, I don't believe it means that s/he just wasn't the one. Because there is no "one."

It was an interesting conversation with a guy down the hall who said he doesn't believe in praying to find out if a certain person is the right person to be with. I thought about that for a long time, and finally came to believe that he's right. I would rather pray to say that I had made a choice and felt good about it. Free agency still applies in love and marriage.

I loved how real the movie was! It really wasn't a chick flick love story inundating me with cliché lines and expectations that were unrealistically met:

1) Why is it so many people have those dreams about losing a tooth, falling, being in a tornado, etc.? Weird.

2) We don't just use first impressions to judge people. We often judge before we even meet people, before we give them a chance. Like when Tom heard from his friend that Summer was a prude (paraphrased). Then he's all "why is it pretty girls feel like they can treat other people like crap" (Also paraphrased).

3) Or when she said she had a good weekend. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read way too deep into things. Can I get an amen?

4) We use a selective memory. "Next time you look back, I really think you should look again."

5) Getting invited to a party by someone you like will rarely turn out the way you expect. More than once I've been invited to a party by someone I liked only to find myself surrounded by a bunch of her friends that I don't know, talking to a few strangers for awhile before I realize how stupid I was to fall for the old "come to my party" trick again, and leaving.

Anyway, I'm sure there's a bunch more I could say, but it's technically Christmas and Santa still hasn't come because I'm still awake, so.... yeah. Goodnight!

Ambiguity

In my media law class our professor gave us an assignment to read a talk by Bruce C. Hafen, and said that it was a talk that changed his life. I'm always excited to find a great talk to read because I like seeing the way different people use experiences, language, and metaphors to put thoughts together in ways that I have never seen before. Oftentimes I consider a talk "great" when the speaker manages to string together words and experiences in such a way that it describes almost perfectly the same feelings I've had on a subject, but have always been unable to do justice to with my own language. (If that makes any sense at all...)

"Love is not Blind" by Bruce C. Hafen is one of those talks. I feel like it says perfectly the thoughts and feelings on the subject I've had. I honestly think that reading it will at least open one's eyes to a new way of thinking about life and the gospel.

The following is possibly my favorite quote from the talk. Read it and re-read it if you need. You won't regret it.

"If we are not willing to grapple with the frustration that comes from honestly and bravely facing the uncertainties we encounter, we may never develop the kind of spiritual maturity that is necessary for our ultimate preparations. It was Heber C. Kimball who once said that the Church has many close places through which it must yet pass and that those living on borrowed light will not be able to stand when those days come. Thus, we need to develop the capacity to form judgments of our own about the value of ideas, opportunities, or people who may come into our lives. We will not always have the security of knowing whether a certain idea is "Church approved," because new ideas do not always come along with little tags attached to them saying whether the Church has given them the stamp of approval. Whether in the form of music, books, friends, or opportunities to serve, there is much that is "lovely, . . . of good report, [and] praiseworthy" (Article of Faith 13) that is not the subject of detailed discussion in Church manuals or courses of instruction. Those who will not risk exposure to experiences of life that are not obviously related to some well-known Church work or program will, I believe, live less abundant and meaningful lives than the Lord intends. We must develop sufficient independence of judgment and maturity of perspective that we are prepared to handle the shafts and whirlwinds of adversity and contradiction that are so likely to come along in our lives. When those times come, we cannot be living on borrowed light. We should not be deceived by the clear-cut labels some may use to describe circumstances that are, in fact, not so clear. Our encounters with reality and disappointment are in fact vital stages in the development of our maturity and understanding"

Don't think I'm using this to justify my own vices, nor to think it is okay (or even better) to learn evils through experience. All I'm saying is that closed-mindedness won't lead a person in the right direction. Perhaps recognizing that there exists a twisted path is the only way we can appreciate the straight and narrow one. And perhaps the straight and narrow path isn't as tight-rope thin as we make it out to be.

I can't do the talk justice. You're better off just reading it.

Own up

So I was at Smith's the other day; one of those in-and-out deals where I have one item to go through self checkout and leave. Understand: I have had lots of fun standing in line waiting for a self-checkout machine watching other people try to use them. This particular time there was a man who had just one item also, and was trying to get through fast.

I can understand trying to get through fast. When you have just one thing, you don't want it to take the same amount of time as 10 or 15 things. However, sometimes in the rush to be even faster, people sacrifice logic.

This man, when I found him standing there, began to beat at the machine and say "maybe if I hit the machine enough someone will finally come." Granted Smith's employees are sub-par, and the "please wait for an attendant" voice usually means "go get an attendant because you won't be helped anytime soon." That being said, the man was still holding the item in his hand and I could see on the screen from 20 feet away the message to "please place the item in the bagging area." He didn't need an attendant, he just needed to follow directions. I think that in trying to be faster, the guy forgot that the machine needs to make sure he isn't putting 2 items in his cart for every 1 item he scans...

I don't know how many times I've thought something along the lines of "this machine messed up," "I got the question wrong because the calculator gave me the wrong answer," "there must be something wrong with [insert something or someone else here]." Fortunately I think I do a pretty good job of recognizing when it just might be my fault rather than someone/something else's. Calculators are never wrong.

Similarly, it seems to me that about 95% of the time people say "someone stole my [keys/wallet/etc.]" that they were really just misplaced by the person. (Matt - this isn't directed at you, I promise :-P I just now remembered about your bag at the Law College.)

On the mission, it's always that your companion is the hard-to-deal-with one. In high school it's always that the teacher doesn't like you. And I'm sure you've noticed that everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot and everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac, right?

"The woman thou gavest me, and commandest that she should remain with me, she gave me of the fruit of the tree and I did eat.
"And I, the Lord God, said unto the woman: What is this thing which thou hast done? And the woman said: The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat."

(Okay, that last one was just a joke. It was just the first thing that came to my head when I thought about putting blame elsewhere. Don't get offended.)

Let's own up to our mistakes. Oh, and don't forget to do what you're supposed to and not get distracted by wanting to place the blame somewhere it isn't due. In the rush to find a scapegoat, it seems we neglect little (but important) details, like placing your item in the bagging area.

Myself

I want to be myself as much as I can, but sometimes I wonder if I even know who I am most of the time.

The conclusion I've come to is that who I am is always changing. I try to be easygoing, but sometimes I'm not. I try to go with the flow but sometimes I get stuck in my ways. I try to learn new things but sometimes I just get lazy. Maybe instead of seeing myself as always short of who I want to be, I should be happy for the progress I've already made. Maybe that way I can find ways to change the things I want to, but not get down on myself when I fail. After all, it seems like it would be hard to be happy with change if you never feel good enough about it.

I noticed the other day that not only do I try to have certain qualities, but I try to avoid other qualities. I spend too much time worrying about who I don't want to become that I sometimes forget to work on becoming who I DO want to be.

For example, I often find myself thinking, "I want to [insert something that takes you out of your comfort zone, like asking a girl/guy you just met out], but I don't want to be one of THOSE guys/girls." Well what if I don't want to be one of those guys but I still want to do that uncomfortable thing? What if I think it'll help me grow?

A roommate and I were talking about how a tactic I read a little while ago. It's meant to be a way to get over the awkwardness you feel when trying to approach a total stranger. Basically stated, you practice. You go to a mall and just approach strangers and try to strike up a conversation. When I first hear that I think "well I want to be able to talk to random people and make friendships, but I don't want to be one of those guys..." Is any of this making sense?

Conclusion: less worrying about what other people think. Less worrying about what I think of other people. More risks to take, since I pretty much only have something to gain.

Because we want to

Why would people ever go out of their way to help someone else? We don't really gain anything tangible. In fact, I'd say people lose more tangibles by helping other people than they gain. So why do people help each other, lift each other up, and support people other than themselves?

Did you know there are people out there who check discussion forums religiously simply to answer any questions that people ask about whatever the topic may be? They're not paid.

Why would non-business people put up all the recipes, guides, FAQs and how-to videos that they do? They already know it, so what if someone else doesn't?

Why do I enjoy making breakfast or dinner for other people? It just takes lots of time and costs me money!

Deep down I hope at my eulogy that "altruistic" is one of the three words my friends/family would use to describe me. And I hope I have a long life ahead of me to prepare for that, cause I have a long way to go.

I promise I'm happy

So a good friend just helped me realize that my blog posts as of recent have been lonly-esque and a little bit in downersville. Then I realized that while Facebook has become a place for me to spread my happy moments and realizations, this blog has unfortunately taken the brunt of emotion and become a place to vent frustration.

How about this one: I was driving home two days ago and a song from "Dan in Real Life" was playing on my iPod, and I realized just how happy life really is. It was for a moment all of the junky things people have to go through made sense, and that it is all worth it. (Ignore the terrible grammar of that sentence, please.) I helped comfort someone in distress on Sunday, I was reminded how greatful I am for the Restoration, and once again got to compare my life now with my hypothetical "I was never tracted out by the missionaries and subsequently baptized/converted" life. Being a member of the church has only made life harder.

Oh yeah, and wonderfuller. Can't forget wonderfuller.

Laura's right: butterflies in the stomach is great. I had it for the first time in a long time this week, and I'm hoping to have it again soon! I need to get her number first. :-P Wish me luck!

Along those lines, here's a funny one: last month I met a girl but never got her number. She seemed at least a little interested, so I was kinda bummed. Finally, after complaining to our mutual friend, he found an excuse for me to see her again. Something was different this time though--she seemed distant and less interested, including a classic playbook "hey, this is my friend so-and-so. She doesn't know many people around here." When instead I kept talking to her (kindly greeting her friend and continuing my conversation), this happened:

"Oh, well I just saw something on my fridge that I need to go look at. I think it might be a cleaning check notice, in which case I would have to clean all day tomorrow." (Exit: girl.)

'Nuff said.

Except that we overheard conversation that implied she has a boyfriend. Now 'nuff said.

Too Dizzy

I know that's not the right kind of "to."

So in one of my random Wikipedia-skipping adventures (you know, the ones where you go to look one thing up and end up reading about 20 different articles? It's sort of a brain-cell-strengthening version of surfing videos on YouTube since you actually feel more informed afterward...), I came across the Wikipedia article for Madonna. I had no idea she was born in Michigan!

Anyway, I was really impressed to read about her beginnings. Here's a selection:

"Madonna's ballet teacher persuaded her to pursue a career in dance, so she left the college at the end of 1977 and relocated to New York City.^[20] Madonna had little money and for some time lived in squalor, working at Dunkin' Donuts and with modern dance troupes.^[21] Speaking of her move to New York, Madonna said, "It was the first time I'd ever taken a plane, the first time I'd ever gotten a taxi cab. I came here with $35 in my pocket. It was the bravest thing I'd ever done."

I think of all the times I've considered being a musician, or an actor, or a photographer, and how every time I abandoned the idea because the road would be too hard and I was worried about what people might think. It makes me think of when children say they want to be astronauts. At what point does that dream fade? When do kids stop saying they want to be an astronaut (or a policeman, or fireman, etc.) and say "I want to go into electrical engineering," or "I think I want to be in accounting." Not to say there's anything wrong with wanting those things, but what changed? Is it that they honestly no longer wanted to be an astronaut? Or did they worry about what other people would think? Or was it just too hefty of a goal for them?

DON'T LET THE OUTSIDE INFLUENCE WHO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE INSIDE!!! Although environmental factors play a big role in who we become, once we reach a conscious state in which we can actively make choices as to who we become, we don't need to let ourselves be controlled by other factors than our own will.

Speaking of will:



Lizzy: LIVE YOUR LIFE! BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER HOW ANYONE ELSE MAKES YOU THINK OR FEEL!!!! I know that was basically verbatim what you asked to hear, so I'm sorry for my lack of originality in this paragraph. Hopefully something else in this blog helps too though.

Do what you want to do, and don't let someone else determine what that is. Develop your skills and personality to mold yourself into who YOU want to be, not who you think someone else wants you to be. One of my biggest fears as a missionary was that people would join the church because they liked the missionaries and didn't want to disappoint us. I was afraid of that because either the investigators would lose their testimonies uber fast, or they would never really gain one in the first place. One of the most important things about constantly re-gaining a testimony is that you need to want it. If I just go to church because I don't want to disappoint someone else, can I honestly believe that I am progressing?? Sure I may be learning things that I wouldn't learn otherwise, but what good is it if I have no motivation to apply the things I learn??

Take time to meditate for a while, extricate the outside influences from your thoughts, and draw up all the plans of things you want to do with your life and who you want to be. Include detail and maybe a few deadlines. Make some pros-and-cons lists. Then pray and ask what Heavenly Father thinks about it all. (I guess I would be wrong in saying ignore ALL outside influences then, huh? Whoops.) The difference is that God won't judge you for who you decide to become as long as you're doing what's right in the eternal perspective.

Then remember that everything cool comes from Michigan (including Madonna) and eat some amazing homemade Winger's chicken.

New day

Each day is a victory,

Each week is a grand celebration,

Each month is a miracle.

Each year is another shot at something more.

I'm too tired to write much more tonight. People who can say "I struggle" are my heroes. I think a "gifted" person is often a misnomer for an "accomplished" or "practiced" person.

Sands of time

Besides being one of my favorite games for Xbox (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. If you haven't played it, you should), time really does pass by as if it were slipping through an hourglass. To me, each grain of sand falling to the bottom represents an opportunity. The opportunity will pass one way or another, no matter what I do, but the difference is whether or not I appreciate and take advantage of it as it is passing.

The New Year represents a time when people flip over their hourglasses and try to find ways to recapture the missed opportunities. Of course there are some that can never be recaptured, so I guess some of the grains just kind of disappear each time the hourglass is flipped, and new ones appear. Then there are the ones that are always the same, such as the "lose weight" grain, or the "read my scriptures every day" grain.

I'm going to take advantage of the "don't miss any good opportunities" grain this year. Goals are an important thing to be restructuring and creating at all times during the year, but annual goals are an important way to keep your mind on the big picture. They're what the monthly and weekly and daily goals lead to. The daily goal can be to walk a mile every day, but the purpose is to lead you to the goal to lose 20 pounds this year. (These are my dad's goals, not mine. I need to gain weight this year I think...)

I made a list of things I want to learn (both big and small) and things I want to do/accomplish (bot big and small), as well as things about myself I want to change. Then I need to go through and make specific goals to accomplish each one. Otherwise it won't get done, and I'll watch more grains pass by without appreciating them. It's funny how my goal to seize opportunities helps me set and accomplish my other goals.

Just for fun, here's a list of some of the small things I want to learn/do this year:

- Learn how to do one of those loud whistles
- Learn how to juggle
- Learn how to type the real way
- Learn about investing
- Learn some more about cooking
- Go on a date a week
- Either go on a hot air balloon ride, or go skydiving
- Climb mount Timp
- Make a real study journal for scripture study

I like the beginning of the new year. It feels like there's something clean about it. Not quite like starting over, like baptism, but there's definitely something "new" about the new year. Somehow, it makes sense to me why Lucy in A Charlie Brown Christmas won't eat December snowflakes, but waits for January snowflakes. I can't explain it, it just seems right.

Happy January 2009! Don't let any important grains of sand pass you by this year.