Perfection

This blog post is definitely one of the best I've read in a very long time.


It says things in a way that I had thought about them but never actually said them myself. And now that I've read it I have so many thoughts about it floating around, that I doubt I'll be able to write them all and keep people's attention.


Here is my favorite part of the post:


"The cure [to the "perfection disease"] is so simple.

Be real.

Be bold about your weaknesses and you  will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.

You'll love them for it. And you'll love yourself even more."

So good! There truly are people I know who seem to have everything going for them - good looks, doing well in school or work, ambition, drive, great sense of humor, lots of friends, etc. And this is not to say that they only have these things going for them to keep up an appearance of perfection, but we should all remember that even these people have problems. We are not the only people with problems. We really aren't alone.

A friend of mine told me a couple of weeks ago that we are all a little insecure about ourselves. This isn't news to me, but it can be such a relief to hear someone else say it, especially when it is someone who has so much going for them.

If we treat other people not as if they are perfect, but make sure they know we accept them with all of their imperfections, we can really help cure this "disease of perfection."

On the other hand (although we definitely want to compliment people on their accomplishments) if we treat people as if they can do no wrong, it adds a pressure to them that they don't deserve. We should always be aware when someone might be going through a difficult time, and be ready to just be real with them.

So here's me being real. Hopefully I'm not the only one who sometimes feels this way. Maybe if I put this dirty laundry out there a little bit, you'll realize you're not alone:

• Sometimes I don't feel happy for other people's successes.
• Sometimes I assume, when I see people laughing, that they are laughing at my expense.
• I often don't try new things in front of other people because I'm afraid I won't be as good at it as them.
• Sometimes I question if I really know myself very well at all. And sometimes I wonder why some people even want to be around me.
• Most of the time I overanalyze things.

There are so many more but don't want people to think I'm depressed or anything, because I'm not :-) I love my life, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my major.

But even if you are depressed, I wouldn't judge you for that, because it happens. And you're not alone. And I hope that we're good enough friends for you to know that you can come to me if you need someone to listen.

Baffling

I still haven't quite grasped the concept that a girl can actually like a guy. I still feel like they just put up with us because they're supposed to. I also haven't quite grasped that a girl can actually pursue a guy, as in show signs of interest. Even when I receive those signs, I just call the girl outgoing and flirty and don't think twice about it.

Maybe I've just seen too many movies.

Or maybe I just don't want to seem stupid by assuming someone is interested only to find out she's just outgoing and flirty.

Confusion! Probably (hopefully) where confusion isn't necessary...

My own (500) Days of Summer input

Inspired by Virginia's post about this movie, I thought I would add my own random, probably poorly-thought-out thoughts.

I sincerely hope that when the narrator at the end was saying that Tom Hansen had learned that there was no such thing as fate and destiny, that he wasn't being sarcastic.

Okay, I take that back. What I should say is I'm disappointed that the narrator was being sarcastic when he said "Tom had finally learned that there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be. He knew. He was sure of it now..."

Granted, it flows well with the theme of the movie. I just don't agree with it. (Well, except the miracles part, but not in the context they're talking about). There really is no such thing as fate or a "meant to be." If you feel you love someone and they don't love you back, I don't believe it means that s/he just wasn't the one. Because there is no "one."

It was an interesting conversation with a guy down the hall who said he doesn't believe in praying to find out if a certain person is the right person to be with. I thought about that for a long time, and finally came to believe that he's right. I would rather pray to say that I had made a choice and felt good about it. Free agency still applies in love and marriage.

I loved how real the movie was! It really wasn't a chick flick love story inundating me with cliché lines and expectations that were unrealistically met:

1) Why is it so many people have those dreams about losing a tooth, falling, being in a tornado, etc.? Weird.

2) We don't just use first impressions to judge people. We often judge before we even meet people, before we give them a chance. Like when Tom heard from his friend that Summer was a prude (paraphrased). Then he's all "why is it pretty girls feel like they can treat other people like crap" (Also paraphrased).

3) Or when she said she had a good weekend. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has read way too deep into things. Can I get an amen?

4) We use a selective memory. "Next time you look back, I really think you should look again."

5) Getting invited to a party by someone you like will rarely turn out the way you expect. More than once I've been invited to a party by someone I liked only to find myself surrounded by a bunch of her friends that I don't know, talking to a few strangers for awhile before I realize how stupid I was to fall for the old "come to my party" trick again, and leaving.

Anyway, I'm sure there's a bunch more I could say, but it's technically Christmas and Santa still hasn't come because I'm still awake, so.... yeah. Goodnight!

Ambiguity

In my media law class our professor gave us an assignment to read a talk by Bruce C. Hafen, and said that it was a talk that changed his life. I'm always excited to find a great talk to read because I like seeing the way different people use experiences, language, and metaphors to put thoughts together in ways that I have never seen before. Oftentimes I consider a talk "great" when the speaker manages to string together words and experiences in such a way that it describes almost perfectly the same feelings I've had on a subject, but have always been unable to do justice to with my own language. (If that makes any sense at all...)

"Love is not Blind" by Bruce C. Hafen is one of those talks. I feel like it says perfectly the thoughts and feelings on the subject I've had. I honestly think that reading it will at least open one's eyes to a new way of thinking about life and the gospel.

The following is possibly my favorite quote from the talk. Read it and re-read it if you need. You won't regret it.

"If we are not willing to grapple with the frustration that comes from honestly and bravely facing the uncertainties we encounter, we may never develop the kind of spiritual maturity that is necessary for our ultimate preparations. It was Heber C. Kimball who once said that the Church has many close places through which it must yet pass and that those living on borrowed light will not be able to stand when those days come. Thus, we need to develop the capacity to form judgments of our own about the value of ideas, opportunities, or people who may come into our lives. We will not always have the security of knowing whether a certain idea is "Church approved," because new ideas do not always come along with little tags attached to them saying whether the Church has given them the stamp of approval. Whether in the form of music, books, friends, or opportunities to serve, there is much that is "lovely, . . . of good report, [and] praiseworthy" (Article of Faith 13) that is not the subject of detailed discussion in Church manuals or courses of instruction. Those who will not risk exposure to experiences of life that are not obviously related to some well-known Church work or program will, I believe, live less abundant and meaningful lives than the Lord intends. We must develop sufficient independence of judgment and maturity of perspective that we are prepared to handle the shafts and whirlwinds of adversity and contradiction that are so likely to come along in our lives. When those times come, we cannot be living on borrowed light. We should not be deceived by the clear-cut labels some may use to describe circumstances that are, in fact, not so clear. Our encounters with reality and disappointment are in fact vital stages in the development of our maturity and understanding"

Don't think I'm using this to justify my own vices, nor to think it is okay (or even better) to learn evils through experience. All I'm saying is that closed-mindedness won't lead a person in the right direction. Perhaps recognizing that there exists a twisted path is the only way we can appreciate the straight and narrow one. And perhaps the straight and narrow path isn't as tight-rope thin as we make it out to be.

I can't do the talk justice. You're better off just reading it.

Honesty, anonymously

Try saying that 3 times fast!

I have a friend (who is a girl) who just moved in to a new ward. (I'm not sure if she reads my blog or not, so if you know this is about you and you're upset that I know the following about you, I'm sorry! Please don't be mad!)

That being said, she told a guy friend of mine that she wanted to make a good impression on the guys in her new ward and was wondering what it was she could do to be more attractive physically and in personality. She believes she has an issues with quickly becoming a friend and never moving past that phase.

Frankly, I like this approach of hers and I would like to propose that all of you who read this blog (and who know me personally) do the same.

The rules:

1. Be anonymous. When posting your comments/opinions, sign out of your own account and don't include your name. I'm fairly certain this is possible for everyone, but I'm not positive. I believe this will help people feel open to express their true opinions. (I think when it asks you to choose the profile you're posting as, there is an option to post as "anonymous.")
   
2. Be specific. If it's my hair, my dress, my musk, don't just state it. Let me know what you think I could/should do to be more appealing/pleasant.
3. Be honest. Remember that because it is anonymous I REALLY WON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I mean, I know who follows my blog and all, but I won't be able to match the comments with the profiles. And I won't look for ways to match them up either, because I don't care. I just want your true opinions/thoughts on the matter.
   
4. Be diverse. Try to include both physical and personality suggestions if you can.
   

I was going to include a 5th rule saying not to be rude, but I know none of you are so I don't worry about that :-) Of course you all know I can take a joke so it's not like you can't throw a jab here and there.

This is not an exercise in self-esteem building or compliment fishing! You can compliment, but only if you have a suggestion/opinion/general betterment to offer with it. And don't feel like you need to compliment me to offset a suggestion you have. I won't take it personally!

I really appreciate people's input. I've described my dating woes as self-inflicted a few times before, and it hasn't changed quite yet. But I would like to be prepared as best I can as soon as I finally come to my senses.

And that is about to happen very soon. I can feel it coming.

Humor

In reflecting on what it is that attracts me to certain people and not others, I think I've finally found that a good sense of humor is the personality trait for me that can make all the difference! What a great realization. I've always known it was important, but I was recently thinking about people I was initially attracted to, and then I lost interest in. I was wondering what it was about the person that turned me off to them. And today it finally clicked!

I wonder what it is about someone with a good sense of humor (which I realize is very likely a relative term) that attracts me so much? Maybe it's a charisma thing? Maybe it shows intelligence, or "easy-goingness", or "she-just-gets-it-ness"? Maybe I value my own sense of humor more than other personality traits of mine, and therefore I value it more in someone else too?

There's people I can think of now, people I still associate with, that I think are really attractive. But as I've gotten to know them I find that I'm not interested in more than friendship, and I now believe that humor is the factor that changes it all for me.

Sometimes I get torn though. Sometimes a girl just has so many good qualities that I appreciate, and when I'm not with her I think "I really should try to see if so-and-so and I would be a good match." Then when I'm around them I either feel uninteresting/boring, or uninterested/bored. I hate it, but I can't help it. It's not her fault, and I don't think it means she has a bad sense of humor, just that it doesn't mesh well with mine.

I can think of 6 girls off hand that I think I would be a good match with, and all of them are girls whose sense of humor I really appreciate. There are 3 girls I can think of off hand that I think have some great qualities, but don't have my kind of sense of humor, and that I don't think I'll pursue. (Although friendship still sounds great, but does that ever really work?)

Anyway, I've reached the point where I'm just beating a dead horse.

p.s. I'm not telling you who the girls are, so don't ask.

p.p.s. Then again, I may have just had my backside delivered to me by this. Make sure to read the whole post. (I had to click "continue reading" the first time, but I don't know if you will need to or not...)

Men

Randomly scrolling through the comments on a very good Zen Habits article I saw one of the girls commenting had a cute picture, so I clicked on it. (Sue me)

I've often found that when women write about men, they're usually venting some kind of emotion, and therefore say a lot of things they don't really mean, don't actually believe, or haven't quite thought all the way through. (Clearly this isn't always the case, and clearly men do the same thing.)

This article was a really good one though! I'd say for the most part it is very accurate and well thought-out. (The cleanliness one doesn't really apply to me. When I am messy, I'd say it's more clutter than dirt. And besides, most of the girls I know keep public areas of the house quite clean and everything else... well let's just say not as clean.)

Maybe I should venture to write a "10 things I've learned from dealing with women," but since I've only ever lived with a few (sisters) I probably couldn't contribute too much that wasn't already general knowledge. Maybe I should opt for co-ed housing in grad school (assuming I'm not married by then)?

Nah.

Own up

So I was at Smith's the other day; one of those in-and-out deals where I have one item to go through self checkout and leave. Understand: I have had lots of fun standing in line waiting for a self-checkout machine watching other people try to use them. This particular time there was a man who had just one item also, and was trying to get through fast.

I can understand trying to get through fast. When you have just one thing, you don't want it to take the same amount of time as 10 or 15 things. However, sometimes in the rush to be even faster, people sacrifice logic.

This man, when I found him standing there, began to beat at the machine and say "maybe if I hit the machine enough someone will finally come." Granted Smith's employees are sub-par, and the "please wait for an attendant" voice usually means "go get an attendant because you won't be helped anytime soon." That being said, the man was still holding the item in his hand and I could see on the screen from 20 feet away the message to "please place the item in the bagging area." He didn't need an attendant, he just needed to follow directions. I think that in trying to be faster, the guy forgot that the machine needs to make sure he isn't putting 2 items in his cart for every 1 item he scans...

I don't know how many times I've thought something along the lines of "this machine messed up," "I got the question wrong because the calculator gave me the wrong answer," "there must be something wrong with [insert something or someone else here]." Fortunately I think I do a pretty good job of recognizing when it just might be my fault rather than someone/something else's. Calculators are never wrong.

Similarly, it seems to me that about 95% of the time people say "someone stole my [keys/wallet/etc.]" that they were really just misplaced by the person. (Matt - this isn't directed at you, I promise :-P I just now remembered about your bag at the Law College.)

On the mission, it's always that your companion is the hard-to-deal-with one. In high school it's always that the teacher doesn't like you. And I'm sure you've noticed that everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot and everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac, right?

"The woman thou gavest me, and commandest that she should remain with me, she gave me of the fruit of the tree and I did eat.
"And I, the Lord God, said unto the woman: What is this thing which thou hast done? And the woman said: The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat."

(Okay, that last one was just a joke. It was just the first thing that came to my head when I thought about putting blame elsewhere. Don't get offended.)

Let's own up to our mistakes. Oh, and don't forget to do what you're supposed to and not get distracted by wanting to place the blame somewhere it isn't due. In the rush to find a scapegoat, it seems we neglect little (but important) details, like placing your item in the bagging area.

Because we want to

Why would people ever go out of their way to help someone else? We don't really gain anything tangible. In fact, I'd say people lose more tangibles by helping other people than they gain. So why do people help each other, lift each other up, and support people other than themselves?

Did you know there are people out there who check discussion forums religiously simply to answer any questions that people ask about whatever the topic may be? They're not paid.

Why would non-business people put up all the recipes, guides, FAQs and how-to videos that they do? They already know it, so what if someone else doesn't?

Why do I enjoy making breakfast or dinner for other people? It just takes lots of time and costs me money!

Deep down I hope at my eulogy that "altruistic" is one of the three words my friends/family would use to describe me. And I hope I have a long life ahead of me to prepare for that, cause I have a long way to go.

I like stream of consciousness

Maybe because it's later at night and I don't have the energy to organize my thoughts.

Why do we judge other people the way we do? I understand that we need to find ways to organize personalities and all primarily based on first impressions, but when we then close our minds to re-organizing and re-evaluating thins along the way, we cheat ourselves of the truth.

There was a girl in church today (Matt, you know who) who seemed unsually sad (although I didn't actually ask her about it). I started thinking about the perceptions I've had about this girl (high-maintenance, mostly friends with people outside the ward, sometimes misses her RS meetings, etc.) and began to realize that I have no right to judge someone else. I am basing all of my judgments off of very little contact time and mostly on first impressions. I love it when people surprise me and change my ideas about who they are. Maybe I should also feel a little guilty that I was too hasty in the past.

I can really appreciate it when people know exactly how to say what I've felt/been feeling. Today in sacrament meeting someone bore their testimony about how there are so many people around us that go through the same (or very similar) trials as we do. What good would it be for everyone else if they didn't have to go through hard times? And I don't even know how often I've thought to myself, "yeah, other people have issues too, but they couldn't have gone through anything this hard." And it's not just a "well I know at least the Savior has felt my pain" sort of thing. People I know have gone through the same problems and same trials! The ones who always seem happy and like everything is going well for them. The ones who I talk to all the time, and who I've felt like I've come to know them really well. Those same people know what it's like too! What a comfort!

I'm going to strive for shorter and more frequent posts from here on out. It seems like it's easier to keep people's attention that way. Plus I've forgotten all the other things I had on my mind. That's the downside to stream of consciousness writing I guess...

I never write in my journal

But I don't really think of my blog as a place to just let people know everything that's going on in my life. I guess I think of it more as a place to let people know what's going on in my head. I also guess that's probably more what a real journal should be, so maybe I'm back at square one?

I DO have a tennis tournament coming up in 3 hours, and I'm starting to get a little nervous.

A push towards the middle

It's been too long since I've posted. Sorry. I don't know who I'm apologizing to, since I don't think anyone actually reads this...

So I've been watching a lot of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (quite left-wing, but rational about it all) and The Colbert Report (also left-wing but pretends to be right-wing in order to maintain an agenda of sarcastic humor) in the past few months. I think it has slowly started to make me drift from dead center on my political viewpoint to slightly to the left.

But last night I was watching The Daily Show and actually watched Jon interview his guest (I usually skip over it, but didn't this time) Newt Gingrich. I realized that there really isn't much "truth" in politics, meaning that people are rarely right or wrong. They just have stronger or weaker opinions, and are better or worse at debating them. Jon Stewart usually does a great job debating, but last night good 'ol Newt held his own really well. I'd say he won the debate. But I wouldn't say he was right. Or wrong. Just better at debating.

It reminds me a little bit of the law system. Then again I might just be thinking of The Fugitive we watched last week, where the guy was innocent but "proven" guilty, and the cop was all "he was found guilty in a court of LAW... the guy's guilty" or something along those lines.

Anyway, this all made more sense to me last night when I was watching it. Of course I was falling asleep at the time. Good news though: not only can you text Facebook to update your status, but if you say "note" first, it'll add a note instead of update your status. (As I found out this morning when I had a new note that said "to self: "A push towards the middle.") I wonder what else you can do through text to Facebook.

Hodgepodge

So I started this little collection of random thoughts a few weeks ago, and just realized I haven't been adding much to it, so I thought I'd just finally post it.

Answers to my own questions:
Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Isn't the answer right there in front of you? San Diego! (Yes, I know that's just her name, but play along...)

How often do I ever answer my own questions? During prayer? During reflection? During self-evaluation? When is the answer right in front of my face? If we're really looking for it that hard, why can't we find it when it's so obvious?

Universalities
There are no hard-and-fast rules to practically anything! Name the rule, someone could probably name the exception.

Nike gives good advice when they say "just do it." It's harder than it sounds, but I guess that's what Nike's all about.

People (myself DEFINITELY included) need to lighten up and just enjoy things and learn to be empathetic. I should lose the sarcasm and learn to listen to people effectively.

Politicians are in a prime position to use superordinate goals to unite all people trying to make this country better, but instead they bicker and whine and thereby accomplish only a fraction of what they could. Compromise is a much less desirable conflict resolution method than using superordinate goals to accomplish a common goal.

In tolerance

If you can think of what movie/TV show has a line about being so famous, you're IN famous (as a description of that infamous means) the you get 100 points and my respect, because I can't remember what it's from.

Anyway, my story begins as such: I was watching the Super Bowl and saw an awesome ad saying that Denny's will be giving out free breakfast to every American on Tuesday February 3rd. (Today). So we got a big group all excited to go (at least 12 or 13 people said they'd show up at out apartment at 7 am, 0 of whom followed through, meaning at 12 or 13 who completely bailed/flaked out.), I set my alarm for 6:45 (and 6:47 and 6:50 because I know myself and my snooze is 5 minutes), and when I woke up we heard that the line around Denny's (not IN Denny's, but AROUND it) was way too long to be worth it. Grrr. I'll live. I made my own pancakes and eggs and toast and OJ and called it my own free mini slam breakfast. I'm over it.

In my grief I set my status on Facebook to: "Bob is a little mad at Denny's for their super duper long line today and ruining our plans. Crappy free breakfast promise: curse you!" Someone commented saying "And this is just a glimpse of what life would be like if we had 'free' healthcare! AAARRRRGGHHHH!"

...

For a long time I was confused about why I seem to be one of a few who doesn't have really strong political opinions. I kept thinking that I must not be as educated, or perhaps not as involved as other people. Recently I've realized I'm just more of a "white" personality. (Not Caucasian. Refer to The Color Code to know what I really mean.) I'm a peacekeeper. I see all sides to practically everything. There are still things that I'm stubborn about, but deep down I can usually see why people believe what they believe.

I think rather than pushing our views onto people, we should try to understand where others come from. That sounds cliché, but whatever. We need tolerance in the world, not dramatic debates.

You're never going to find a policy (outside of the gospel) that can satisfy everyone. Free national healthcare? Interesting how it's mostly the wealthy that are against it and the poor that are for it. So maybe the woman who posted the comment to my status doesn't want there to be "long lines" in order for her to get health care. When's the last time she had to stand in line at a soup kitchen to get free food? She doesn't need to because she can pay for it otherwise. It seems ridiculous to her to need to wait for the throngs in order to get medical help. What if she couldn't afford it otherwise? I bet her opinion would change. Seems to me like pushing political theory will always hurt some and help some. So get off your high horse if you think you've got the "right opinion." You'll almost always notice me get an uncomfortable look when I'm around people who talk politics, partly because I don't know what they're talking about, partly because I don't care, and mostly because I play devil's advocate with them in my head and resolve to believing they think they're more right than they actually are.

Intolerance can be acceptable I think, notably when the intolerance is directed at a person/group being intolerant. (Nazi Germany is the first that comes to mind.) The Savior being intolerant of the moneychangers in the temple is another example. It's not a sin to be intolerant of sin. (For our everyday purposes, however, it may be a sin to be intolerant of a sinner. Excommunication/disfellowship(ment?) is meant to help the individual in the process to repentance, not as a punishment.)

Anyway, we should learn to be so tolerant that we're "IN tolerance" :-) I.e. tolerance surrounds us in such a way that we can accept what happens in life with a smile and an understanding that what doesn't kill us just makes us stronger. (If not physically, then at least metaphorically.)

Suggestions from a white personality with very limited experience:

• Put yourself in someone else's shoes.
• Don't be quick to judge.

• Try to do someone else's homework at least once (not as service, but as a humbling activity for yourself).
• Every time you find a bad quality in someone, match it with at least one equally-weighted good quality.
• Only poke fun at people you know would feel comfortable poking fun at you.
• Don't say "poke fun" in public. It's an annoying phrase. While you're at it, don't say the word "utilize" either. Ironically enough, the word "utilize" is useless. Just say "use." :-)
• Don't be judgmental of those who DO say "poke fun" or "utilize."

Yeah, I know I don't have much good advice. I suppose they're really just a few of the guidelines that I try to live by in general. Whatever. Leave your thoughts, cause I often like them more than my own.

creative life writing

I love the gift my mom wants from me for Christmas.

My mom loves to write. I should qualify that: my mom loves to write creatively. I think I needed to qualify that because I like to write also as long as I can write what I want to say, and not write about something I don't care much about. I am my mother's boy, after all.

My mom wants playlists of music with different styles to serve as background music to help inspire her write in different tones and moods.

I wonder what music is playing to the writing of my own life's story.

I was riding home from Sundance today, marveling at the snowy, majestic scenery through the canyon, and couldn't help but realize that the music we were listening to was feeding my emotions and patterns of thought.

Going through the canyon reminds me how small I am. When I look at the top of mountains, they're so much larger than I, I feel like I'm not moving at all. Sometimes I wonder if God made these of such grandeur to remind me that I have something great to look forward to.

Actually, better said, that I have something to work towards.

It reminds me that no matter how many mistakes I make, there's forgiveness if I look for it.

And I make a lot of mistakes. Ones that I know better not to make. Ones that I've made before and fear too much to make them again. Fear strong enough to drive me to commit other errors. And it starts again. And only I and the Lord seem to understand it. And I have a hard time with that.

I recently had a friend I haven't talked to in so many years add me on Facebook. We spent so much time together when I was younger, and he moved away one day and I think I saw him maybe one more time in my life. His lifestyle changed, and so did mine. I wouldn't even say we have much in common now. Except for that time we spent together before the road forked. That's an important time.

Driving through the canyon, I realize how small I am, how much other life is going on around me, and how much I have to work towards. If I'm not careful, it makes me think that I'm insignificant. Lately, I haven't been careful.

I haven't been careful with priorities. I haven't been careful with time. I haven't been careful with assumptions. I haven't been careful with perceptions. I haven't been careful with hypocrisy.

I haven't been careful with great opportunities.

One of the things I most dislike experiencing is learning the hard way lessons I've already learned.

I suppose we all feel it sometimes.

The playlist inspiring the writing of my life's story right now? Something that is wise beyond my years, for sure.



There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise
Was he

And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me

"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"

akabl

That's the code I just had to type in to leave a comment on another blog :-)

So I had this idea for what I was feeling, and then I realized it's an awful lot like an awful chain e-mail thing I've gotten before. (note: by "awful chain e-mail" I mean that I dislike chain e-mails in general, but this one had a good message.)

Why do I have such problems expressing to people how much I appreciate them? I do it WAY more now than I ever used to (even just a year ago or so), but it's still way hard for me! Easier though...

I love my problems! How lucky am I to be worrying about getting assignments done on time?? How lucky am I that I get frustrated that I type the word "efficient" wrong half the time, that I oftentimes find myself doing nothing in my apartment alone, that I have no food in my cupboards, and that the guys upstairs love Dance Dance Revolution too much??

If the world were a village of 100 people, I would be one of seven in the village who have a computer to type "efficient" wrong on, and the ONLY ONE worrying about getting assignments done for a university! I'm one of eight who has money in a bank, my wallet, and spare change at the same time. (I need to leave the computer and go grocery shopping... p.s. it turns out I spell "grocery" wrong a lot too.)

The Lord gives everyone their own problems to deal with, but nothing that is more than they can live with. I wrote a paper from 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec 10 until 1:30 p.m. on Thursday, Dec 11, stopping only for about an hour and a half total to eat and shower, only to find out three minutes before class started that the printer in the Tanner Building wasn't working. Having remembered the lesson from MCom about problem solving (not giving our problems to someone else to solve), I ran back to class to verify that the paper was due within the first 10 minutes of class, ran up the 90 stairs on the Tanner Building and across the street (this doesn't sound like much unless you've recently tried doing it 29 hours after having woken up) to print the paper off, ran back, and turned it in. I really had to work until the last second to get this blasted assignment done on time. But it wasn't more than I could handle.

How many people in the world would love to do what I did yesterday? Well, if it were a village of 100 people, about 99 of them. Not 100 though. Usually the 1 person complains about the toll school is taking on them.

I love my problems! Life could have been so much less generous to me.

The Lord gives us the trials we have to test and stretch us, so I don't think belittling the difficulties we face is really the best way to learn from them. But I sure appreciate that I have the problems I do, because it means I'm not suffering in ways most of the world is.

I'm going to go shower in warm water, choose what clothes I want to wear, eat something (I don't think we really understand what it means to have NO food in the cupboards...), drive in my car to the store that is within walking distance to buy food, and then plan what to do with all my spare time today.

Today, 100 people want to fret about getting assignments done on time.

I only have a vague idea of what I want to say

So I think I'll try out this stream of consciousness thing. I guess I'll see if it goes anywhere. Basically I was thinking a lot on my way down to Cedar City about random things, and I think I'd like to see if maybe I can actually communicate something better by putting my thoughts straight onto paper without editing them.

I was thinking about how everyone seems to have a shell, and some people's shells are thin and others are thick. And then I realized I think people have a few layers of shells, and that it really takes some knowing to get deep into someone's real personality. That's one of the things I'm looking forward to when it comes time for marriage and stuff: getting inside every last layer of someone. I don't think I completely have that with anyone, and it's starting to get frustrating.

It's always "How was your day?" "It was fine, how was yours?" "Fine" at first, even when someone has had a terrible day. I think our outer shell should be destroyed altogether. We should be able to communicate our real thoughts (to an extent, of course; don't want to freak people out or cross any lines) even when we first meet someone. I'm always impressed when I meet someone who I can feel is really a genuine person, and it's one of my favorite qualities.

I wish I could break into new layers of the people I associate with and get to know them just way better than I already do. I wish I could ask questions without being worried about what other people will think of me for asking them. Why is it so taboo to ask something you know is on everyone's mind? Just because no one is talking about it? I want to go on walks with friends and get to know them better than I already do, and I want them to not think it's strange. I want to bring out those issues that everyone has but no one feels comfortable talking about. And I want to be the kind of person that my friends feel comfortable talking about those sort of things with, no matter how random, unusual, or taboo they may be. Therefore, I want to be a better listener.

It's hard not to delete stuff I've already written, I tell you what.

I want to completely shed my outer shell and not be so uptight about protecting myself from hurt. I guess I just want all worry about things that I shouldn't be worried about to go away altogether. School will work out fine. Girls will work out fine. My Christmas plans will all work out fine. Come what may, and LOVE IT.

I never go to bed when I'm so tired. Why do I do that? I could be falling asleep on the couch and then find something to do that keeps me awake. I think I crave interaction a little too much sometimes. And its funny how it's always in the evening. I could have a long day sitting around doing basically nothing, but I can't stand to do that in the evening/night! It's like there's too much to be done, and like I'm missing out on something important. Who knows who I might meet? Who knows what friendship I might make stronger? I won't until I go find out.

I wish people came to visit us more often. Do we put ourselves out there too much? Now I know how Virginia and Theresa feel, and I understand how it must be hard for them to come over all the time when we never go visit them. That's a new goal of mine: go visit Virginia and Theresa!

I have such a random sense of making other people comfortable. I feel like when it least matters I do everything I can to make someone else's life easier, even if it's as trivial as spending less time at a drinking fountain so others can drink sooner, or moving over when someone is trying to get by. Then, when it most matters (or perhaps is most obvious) I totally drop the ball and inconvenience someone else's life. I definitely need to work on that. I don't do it on purpose, I just don't think about it first. Sorry if I've done that to anyone reading this. Really.

Advertisements are successful when they can resonate with the audience, like when you touch something in the person that makes them believe you really understand them. It reminds me of when The Office had the opening with the office crew watching the DVD sign float around the screen waiting for it to bounce exactly in the corner. Its something that practically everyone has at least thought about, but not too many people talk about it. That brings me back to the whole people's shells thing. There are so many questions I'm sure I've had for my friends/family that I've never taken the time to get over my fear and just ask. My relationships would be so much more meaningful if I could just ask people the things that were on my mind without worrying what they'd think. Maybe that'll be my goal number 2.

I've gone on for long enough. And I'm starting to think too much before I type my thoughts down, so either I'm running out of things to say or I'm just getting too tired.

Lizzy, you're one of the funnest, most genuine people I know. I haven't made such a good friend in such a relatively short time in so many years. Thanks for being so awesome.

Ace, you're like a brother to me, and that's saying a lot since I don't have any real full siblings. And cause both our moms rock so hard, so its like we could be brothers from either one or BOTH!

And that about sums it up for everyone who reads this :-P

I'm thanking people honestly tomorrow.