I only have a vague idea of what I want to say

So I think I'll try out this stream of consciousness thing. I guess I'll see if it goes anywhere. Basically I was thinking a lot on my way down to Cedar City about random things, and I think I'd like to see if maybe I can actually communicate something better by putting my thoughts straight onto paper without editing them.

I was thinking about how everyone seems to have a shell, and some people's shells are thin and others are thick. And then I realized I think people have a few layers of shells, and that it really takes some knowing to get deep into someone's real personality. That's one of the things I'm looking forward to when it comes time for marriage and stuff: getting inside every last layer of someone. I don't think I completely have that with anyone, and it's starting to get frustrating.

It's always "How was your day?" "It was fine, how was yours?" "Fine" at first, even when someone has had a terrible day. I think our outer shell should be destroyed altogether. We should be able to communicate our real thoughts (to an extent, of course; don't want to freak people out or cross any lines) even when we first meet someone. I'm always impressed when I meet someone who I can feel is really a genuine person, and it's one of my favorite qualities.

I wish I could break into new layers of the people I associate with and get to know them just way better than I already do. I wish I could ask questions without being worried about what other people will think of me for asking them. Why is it so taboo to ask something you know is on everyone's mind? Just because no one is talking about it? I want to go on walks with friends and get to know them better than I already do, and I want them to not think it's strange. I want to bring out those issues that everyone has but no one feels comfortable talking about. And I want to be the kind of person that my friends feel comfortable talking about those sort of things with, no matter how random, unusual, or taboo they may be. Therefore, I want to be a better listener.

It's hard not to delete stuff I've already written, I tell you what.

I want to completely shed my outer shell and not be so uptight about protecting myself from hurt. I guess I just want all worry about things that I shouldn't be worried about to go away altogether. School will work out fine. Girls will work out fine. My Christmas plans will all work out fine. Come what may, and LOVE IT.

I never go to bed when I'm so tired. Why do I do that? I could be falling asleep on the couch and then find something to do that keeps me awake. I think I crave interaction a little too much sometimes. And its funny how it's always in the evening. I could have a long day sitting around doing basically nothing, but I can't stand to do that in the evening/night! It's like there's too much to be done, and like I'm missing out on something important. Who knows who I might meet? Who knows what friendship I might make stronger? I won't until I go find out.

I wish people came to visit us more often. Do we put ourselves out there too much? Now I know how Virginia and Theresa feel, and I understand how it must be hard for them to come over all the time when we never go visit them. That's a new goal of mine: go visit Virginia and Theresa!

I have such a random sense of making other people comfortable. I feel like when it least matters I do everything I can to make someone else's life easier, even if it's as trivial as spending less time at a drinking fountain so others can drink sooner, or moving over when someone is trying to get by. Then, when it most matters (or perhaps is most obvious) I totally drop the ball and inconvenience someone else's life. I definitely need to work on that. I don't do it on purpose, I just don't think about it first. Sorry if I've done that to anyone reading this. Really.

Advertisements are successful when they can resonate with the audience, like when you touch something in the person that makes them believe you really understand them. It reminds me of when The Office had the opening with the office crew watching the DVD sign float around the screen waiting for it to bounce exactly in the corner. Its something that practically everyone has at least thought about, but not too many people talk about it. That brings me back to the whole people's shells thing. There are so many questions I'm sure I've had for my friends/family that I've never taken the time to get over my fear and just ask. My relationships would be so much more meaningful if I could just ask people the things that were on my mind without worrying what they'd think. Maybe that'll be my goal number 2.

I've gone on for long enough. And I'm starting to think too much before I type my thoughts down, so either I'm running out of things to say or I'm just getting too tired.

Lizzy, you're one of the funnest, most genuine people I know. I haven't made such a good friend in such a relatively short time in so many years. Thanks for being so awesome.

Ace, you're like a brother to me, and that's saying a lot since I don't have any real full siblings. And cause both our moms rock so hard, so its like we could be brothers from either one or BOTH!

And that about sums it up for everyone who reads this :-P

I'm thanking people honestly tomorrow.