I know you all probably have your own opinions on the topic. Here's mine. Of course this will include a lot of generalizations that may or may not apply to the reader, but honestly I don't care :) It also very much applies to everyone, guys and girls alike.
This also stems from things I've heard from a bunch of different sources, so this isn't new stuff by any means. Just a sad truth.
Here's basically what I typed into my phone when this thought came to my mind (again):
Kindness can come off as weakness. Jerk guys are seen as more confident and make a girl feel like she needs to work to make him want her. It's like a challenge. And it is intriguing. Someone who is nice and shows interest is too easy to obtain. There's no challenge. People like what they can't/don't have. So it forces guys to play a game where, even if he is interested in someone, he has to hide it and practically show apathy towards a girl. It's like a hook. When he does finally ask her out, she can feel accomplished, as if she "won him over."
However a guy who is a jerk (DB) never lets a girl get to the point of completely winning him over, but gives her just enough to make her feel like she is making progress. This is why some girls stay with jerks for a long time and overlook the bad things about the relationship (lack of respect, no heightened sense of self-esteem, or even abuse in more serious cases) because they feel like he is changing.
I'm not the only one to think of this
And it's so dumb to me that books like this teach women to play hard-to-get for the exact same reason: people want what they don't/can't have.
The game sucks. Nice guys finish last. The end.
Sure, nice guys might finish last. But then you get the chance to end up with the more confident, self-sufficient and kind girl.
ReplyDeleteNothing trumps kindness: not even false confidence in those jerk guys. Hang in there Bob. She's gonna be a winner when you find her.
It's the jerks that make it possible for nice guys to have an "in," though. After a girl has dated a jerk for a while (and not all girls go down that path, let's be honest) she's gonna be so sick of the type that a kind, honest, nice guy who just adores her for the sake of loving her is gonna be a breath of fresh air!
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't like "the rules" either. It was when my Young Women's president bought a copy for each Laurel in the ward that I wrote off the Young Women's program completely and stopped making an effort to go justifying it (rightly so, I still think) with "Well...if THIS is what they're going to be teaching me...."
GASP! I didn't even get to do a word verification that time :(
ReplyDeleteOh - and you should really get to bed earlier. 2:37, Bob? Tsk tsk. :)
ReplyDeleteKatie - Yeah, I know. I woke up this morning and realized I probably came off as bitter or upset, and really I'm not. I was just trying to get a point across I guess.
ReplyDeleteLizzy - I SHOULD get to bed earlier, especially when I have an 8am meeting the next day... Also, perhaps dating a nice guy is like a breath of fresh air after a non-so-productive relationship, but I guess my point was that it is silly that so many people (myself included) look for things they can't or don't have. More than once I have been interested in someone, and as soon as I find out they're interested in me too, I lose interest. That makes no sense! So frustrating.
do you read xkcd?
ReplyDeleteAll the time :-)
ReplyDeleteAs far as I can tell, the Game is a really good technique for guys who "only want one thing" (although I hadn't heard of that book until I read that xkcd, and couldn't stomach reading about it for very long) and the Rules are a good way for girls to get rid of any guy who isn't serious about a long-term relationship. Thus, I imagine girls who follow the rules and guys who play the game would be horrible for each other :)
ReplyDeleteYou don't want a girl that feels she has to bring herself up to your level, unless she succeeds in becoming what you both feel is right. In the same way, she shouldn't settle for someone that isn't quite "good enough" for her, by which I mean the DB. You want a girl that is your equal, who you can stand side by side with and take things head on with. You want someone who grows into love WITH you. People that say they fall in love are only experiencing one tiny part of love. True love doesn't "fall", for it "never faileth". True love rises above any and all things. True love comes from mutual growth in the Spirit, Charity, and in service to one another. THAT is the kind of relationship we should hope for. Patience isn't always an easy thing when it comes to dating, though, and we have a hard time keeping in mind that it has to be about learning and growth, especially if, or when, things don't work out. The nice guys might finish last, but the not so nice guys will be wondering what they did wrong when they see how truly happy the nice guys are.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who you are, Anonymous, but I like your wisdom-y train of thought.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your input, I like that this post got people thinking/talking. (That was my intent.)
I like to think of myself as a pretty patient person, and I definitely like to think of myself as a nice guy, and I don't regret it n the least.
I also believe in growing into love with someone as opposed to falling into love. "Falling" seems to imply it was against your will. I also don't believe in love at first sight, but that's another conversation.
ReplyDeleteOh the games we play.
ReplyDeleteI hate the games.
What would you think if I said the same thing can be true of girls? That nice girls finish last? or maybe its smart girls?
Thoughts?
Laura: I agree. I feel like Bob's perspective for guys can certainly be applied to girls. Oftentimes, I feel like girls who are smart, ambitious, hard working and nice don't get the guys who show great potential. A majority of those guys seem to go for girls who still have no clue who they are or what they want in life. Games are no fun, which is why I try my best to be as open and genuine as possible. But even being real is difficult because so often being "real" intimidates/threatens people.
ReplyDeleteBob: Great post. I like what you said earlier about how it doesn't make sense that in dating, a lot of people will be attracted to someone, and as soon as we discover reciprocation we back off. You're right: it doesn't make sense. And it's a folly I'm trying to overcome, too.
Anonymous: great thoughts.